


I can't fight this feeling any more

by Tantaylor



Category: Duran Duran
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Drug Abuse, Hurt, Love, M/M, mention of anal sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2020-12-17 06:48:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21050078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tantaylor/pseuds/Tantaylor
Summary: John is afraid to meet his only true love again





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Reunion era
> 
> Things coming to mind when you just can^t sleep
> 
> English is not my mother tongue, no beta.  
if that bothers you, don^t read it.
> 
> if you read it, feedback and/or kudos are welcome. Thank you.

I have been in love once. Only once.  
It took me years to realize it. That everything else was nothing but a cheap substitute. Well, I tried my very best to keep me on drugs, to feel nothing but the sweet rush that made me forget about everything. Since I^m clean I thought about calling him a lot, but it seems he just disappeared from this world. In the last somewhat 15 years I only saw him once, and of course I was highly on coke and vodka. My very own twin rush, coke and vodka. I still don^t know how I made it through the recordings and video shoot. I am not able to watch it, the perfect-day-vid. His sight hurts too much.  
This morning there was a message from Nick on my answering machine and since then I^m a nervous, restless mess. Nick is the only one who knows about us, him and me. From the very beginning.  
*Nigel, it^s me. Listen, Charlie and I are planning a reunion. Ands already agreed, but you may be much more interested in the other Taylor. Here are some interesting news for you, my friend. Simon found him. He^s single, never married, no kids. And now fasten your seat belts, little brother. He had a long term relationship with a bloke called Adrian, but they broke up last year. Charlie and I met him for dinner a week ago and he said he has to think it over, the reunion. I^m pretty sure I know his reasons. So please do me a favour and talk to him. I want all Taylors back, John. I want my dream back.*  
He left an address and a phone number.  
I paced mile after mile through my house, wishing I could have a drink. I tried to dial the number about a million times but I couldn^t find the nerve. 10 minutes ago I booked a last minute flight to London and now I^m calling Nick.  
His sleepy voice reminds me of the time zones, but I really need to talk to him.  
« Booked a flight ! » I blurt out.  
« Did you call him ? »  
It^s something I really love about Nick. He always comes straight to the point.  
« No. It^s…I can^t. »  
« So you're just gonna stand outside his door, Nigel?“  
„I think that's the plan, yes.“  
„When is your flight going?“  
„In two hours. Taxi must be here at any minute! Did he ask about me, Nick?“  
« Of course he did. He was literally beaming when we told him that you^re sober for years.“  
„Does Charlie know?“  
„Not if you hadn^t told him“  
„I have not…oh, there^s the taxi!“  
„Safe travels…and good luck, little brother!“  
It^s funny, isn^t it? Nick is much smaller than me and two years younger, but I^m his little brother. He^s always been the older one, he was much more matured when he was only 10. I'm looking forward to seeing him again, even if my thoughts are about someone else right now.

I try to sleep in the plane, but it^s impossible. I can only think of him. My mind travels back to 1980, when it all started.  
Our first tour. For a week we slept in this lousy bus, between the instruments, squeezed together like oil sardines in a can. We were tired, exhausted and pissed off. Finally we put all our money together to sleep at least one night in a hotel. A hotel that did not even the slightest deserve this name.  
But it had beds, huh?  
I shared one with him and I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard strange noises.  
He sat by the window smoking, with his back to me. The violent shudder of his back and the sobbing sounds left no doubt that he was crying. For minutes I lay there thinking what to do. Boys don't want to be caught crying, do they? But he was my friend, and I should be there for him.  
So at some point I just got up and sat next to him without saying a word.  
« I have a terrible homesickness, Johnny. Do you think that's silly? Goodness, I miss my mother.“  
When he looked at me, with those teary eyes, so desperate and sad, I thought, fucking shit, he's beautiful. And I was ashamed of this thought.  
We were both the only ones still living at home with our parents besides Nick. But Nick was two years younger.  
I didn't think about it, I just took him in my arms. We shared our last cigarettes and talked until the early morning before we finally crawled into bed together. The next day there was no show and we enjoyed the luxury of a bed until the last moment. It was a little embarrassing when we woke up in the arms of the other, but then it happened. I don't know who started, but we kissed.  
I've made out with a few girls before, but that kiss was different. It tasted like more, it made me want more.  
Only the strict catholic education of my mother kept me from reaching for his hard cock, which pressed more than clearly against my leg.  
Touching my own cock was already a sin and I could not even jerk off without having a bad conscience. If I would touch another man in this way, I would surely go straight to hell.  
My mother would certainly not have agreed with this kiss, with this whole series of wonderful, delicious kisses, but I could not stop. We could not stop.  
The magic broke when Simon knocked at the door like crazy.  
« Get up, lazy bones! Next stop is Stroke-on –Trent. We gonna leave in 20 minutes ! »  
We dressed without looking at each other.  
He didn't hold my arm until I had a hand on the doorknob.  
„That was nice, Johnny, wasn't it?“  
„Yes. Oh yes!“  
Knowing that this had to remain our secret, we took each other in our arms again and kissed. It felt like a promise for more, and that's what it was. It took weeks, however, until we had the opportunity to be alone again.  
We were busy in the studio and the sudden success overwhelmed us all quite a bit. Over night I had become a crush for girls and everyone made fun of it. Everyone but the drummer.  
Everytime I looked at him I felt a comfortable warmth spreading in my stomach, but I didn^t dare to tell him that I missed that night we had, that I missed his kisses, his closeness. It was him who took the first step, after a long day of recording our debut album.  
„Johnny, would you come over tonight? My parents are away for the weekend and…well, I just thought we could watch TV and have a few beers or something.“ He blushed and I thought it was incredibly cute. It was clear to me that beer and television were about the last thing he had in mind.  
That weekend was the best in my life, seriously .I didn^t know that it turned out to be the only one without me being on drugs, drunk or both. The only time I was really with him, with heart, soul and body. This weekend he showed me what love is, what passion is. Never before and never after, I was more myself. We did everything two men could do with each other several times.  
I'd just fucked him again and again when he said it.  
„I love you, Johnny. I don't want to hide anymore.“  
I panicked. Although I felt the same. But I couldn't! I was John Taylor, the womanizer, the cool popstar. I couldn't be gay! It^s a sin, it^s not right!  
In the following years I often saw Roger crying, I never got up again to comfort him. I only used him when I felt like it, when I didn't find a willing groupie. I loved him idolatrously, but I couldn't admit that to myself.  
I numbed myself with drugs and alcohol and I knew if I knocked on his door he would let me in, what he did for years.  
But one day he wouldn't let me stay in his room. It was after live aid, I was drunk like ten sailors and horny like seldom before.  
„Go away, John!“ he screamed after I fucked him hard and moaned the name of my current girlfriend when I came.  
„Get the fuck out of here! I never want to see you again! Get out!“  
And he was consistent, except for this one time seven years ago, for the Thank you album and this damn video, which I would never have thought possible. I was far too convinced of myself. Convinced that he loved me and would never leave me, no matter how much I hurt him.  
In the here and now, on the plane to London, on the way to him, I get a panic attack that takes my breath away. How can I believe that he wants to see me again? Why would he even open the door for me? I used him and lied to him, I was an asshole. It's best if I go to Nick's right after the landing and tell him that the reunion won't work out.

With that in mind I leave the plane hours later. My appearance would only hurt Roger more, and I really hurt him enough.  
I don't realize I'm crying on my way from the baggage carousel to the exit.

„Johnny!“  
There's only one person in the world who calls me Johnny, I think I'm dreaming, but he's really standing there. He stands there and smiles at me. I stop as if struck by lightning, following travellers run into me and insult me angrily, but I only see this man standing there smiling at me.  
Nick must have called him, Nick, my best friend, my big brother.  
I drop my luggage and fall sobbing into his arms.  
„Johnny! My Johnny!“ he whispers.  
We kiss, between all these people. It tastes like more. It makes me wish for more. It feels like a promise, and that's what it is.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh well, what was supposed to be a short ficlet just got another chapter ....

It^s weird to sit beside him in the car and since I^m living in the US the left-hand-driving irritates me to no end for the first few hours everytime when I^m back to the UK.  
I can't turn my eyes away from his profile, he drives concentrated and calm and we don't talk.  
Since our kiss in the airport hall we are strangely biased.  
That's not too bad. There's something exciting about it, as if we're just getting to know each other.  
And it's actually like that.  
From time to time he gives me quick side glances and smiles this beautiful little smile that makes my heart stumble.  
I'm not surprised he lives pretty far outside London. It is a small house off the road, surrounded by trees and meadows. When he unlocks the front door, a cheerful barking is heard. The dog wagging his tail at us is the strangest I've ever seen. it has the body of a dachshund with the legs of an afghan greyhound. Somehow it looks like it's wrongly put together.  
„Johnny, Nigel, Nigel, Johnny“ Roger introduces us.  
„Nigel!“ I blurt and he blushes a bit.  
„Yeah. Nigel. He reminds me of a Nigel I once knew, you know?“  
I'd like to hug him now. That's incredibly sweet. I shouldn't be flattered because this dog is really weird, but that he named him after me shows that he thinks about me, right? That he never stopped thinking about me.  
I don't dare. So, to embrace him.  
„I hope the Nigel you knew didn't have those floppy ears!“ I'd say instead.  
„No, but so long legs. Besides, he was just as kind and funny before he turned into a selfish asshole.“  
Ouch, that hurt!  
I want to defend myself, I want to say that the drugs were to blame for it, the sudden success that I could not cope with. That it scared me to be in love with a man. But there is nothing I can say because he is simply right.  
« I've changed. » I say quietly. After all, that^s the truth.  
« Yes, you did! Sit down, Johnny. Would you like something to eat? If you are tired, I have made up the guest room for you. Oh, and you should call Nick to let him know you^re arrived, huh ? »  
« He told you that I was coming, didn^t he?“  
„Hmhm.“  
„Thanks for having me. During the flight I was just thinking that…I thought that…I^m sorry, Roger! You^re right, I was such an asshole and…“  
„Johnny!“ he interupts and a warm hand covers mine. „It^s long ago. It's not about the past, it's about the future. There are a few things I would like to know, though. But you must be tired. Do you want to lie down? » 

„No. I...can we just sit here and talk? A coffee would be nice.I am not hungry, there was good food in the plane.“  
To make coffee he unfortunately has to let go of my hand, I hadn't considered that. I pet the funny dog sitting next to me while I watch Roger.

He looks good. He looks damn good.  
« You have a daughter, don't you? How old is she, what is her name?“ he asks.  
„Yeah, Atlanta. She just turned nine. Wanna see a picture?“ I already pulled it out of my purse, my favourite photo, taken at her birthday party just weeks ago. She and I, with silly party hats, sticking out our tongues. He comes over to look at it and this wonderful smile appears again.  
« She looks like you, Johnny ! »  
« Nick said you didn't have any kids? »  
„Well, that would be a biological sensation, wouldn't it? Maybe it shocks you to hear that, but I'm gay, always been.“ he winks.  
„Is there anyone? I mean, are you dating someone?“  
„There was someone.“ he shrugs and turns to get some mugs.  
„What happened?“  
„Life happened, Johnny. Life and a 20 year old fucking musical star. I hate musicals! That was my fucking birthday present for Adrian. The witches of Eastwick. The stupidest idea I've ever had. What about you? Are you married? Dating? Women? Men?“  
„No, no, no and no!“ I chuckle. „This Adrian is an asshole, by the way.“  
„I guess I always fall in love with the bad guys.“  
„Do you think people can change? 

« If you are talking about yourself, I don't think you have changed. You've been trying for years to be someone you're not. I think you just became yourself again. Finally. Fortunately.“ He fills the mugs with a strong brew and I notice that his hand trembles a wee bit. « How long have you been clean? » he wants to know.  
« Six years. Almost. »

He puts the cups on the table and sits opposite me.  
« Do you need sugar or milk? »

« No. Look, Roger, I don't want to gloss over anything. Some days are hard and there's no guarantee I'll stay clean. But I want it. I really want it. I found ways to distract myself when the need for a drink overwhelms me. Cocaine hasn't been a problem for a long time, but it's really hard to live without alcohol. Enough talking about me. I'm fine, I'm healthy and almost happy. How are you? Where have you been hiding all this time? What do you do? Are you still drumming? »  
„I'm playing in a gay band, just for fun. Otherwise I don't do much. I enjoy my life, so to speak. It pays to have played in a very famous band once. I've never hidden, John. If you had wanted to, you could have found me at any time. Simon also found me. »  
« I didn't know if you wanted to see me, if you even wanted to talk to me, and I admit I just wanted to forget you. Which, by the way, I never succeeded in doing. »  
„I never stopped thinking about you either, John Taylor.“  
My heart is pounding and my mouth gets dry. Goodness, I still love him! I wanna hold him!  
But I must not overestimate his words, even though it is so much feeling my throat is tied up.  
„Obviously. You named that ugly dog after me!“ I croak.

„Did you just call Nigel ugly? Did you hear that, Nige? That big bad man called you ugly!“ 

Nigel doesn't seem to care much, he barks at me friendly and waggles his tail.

„See, Johnny? This is a very very nice dog. And that his legs are too long for his body might seem familiar to you.“  
„It's still not very flattering to be compared to a dog.“

„But it should! Because I love him very much. However, I never had the need to kiss him, unlike his namesake.“  
„I'm just trying not to do exactly that, Roger, even though I can't think of anything else.“

„You want to kiss my dog? »

« Please stop it. Why did you pick me up? Why are we sitting here?“  
We gotta get this straight, or I'm going crazy.

„Why did you come here and want to see me? Is it just about the reunion, John? »

„You know it's not like that!“

« Yes, I know. And it scares the shit out of me, Johnny. If I kiss you now, and I want to kiss you, I want it so badly that it hurts, but if I kiss you now, we won't stop. We end up in bed and fuck our brains out. And then you go back to Los Angeles and I'll just be a memory, I don't want that. It took me years to get over you and I don't want to go through that again. You fucking hurt me. But damn it, John, I missed you and I'm so fucking happy you're here! Shit! You always make me cry!“ He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and turns away from me.  
His back is shaking. Just like then. Just like back then almost exactly 21 years ago.  
« Let me hold you, please! Just hold you! »  
In the middle of the kitchen we hold ourselves tight and cry together. Cry for the lost time, the lost opportunities. For our love.  
And of course we kiss. There's no other way.  
If the doorbell hadn't rung, we would probably have actually ended up in bed, just like he said.  
« Roger, darling ! I know you^re there, I hear Nigel ! Open the frecking door, will you?“  
„Darling?“ I chuckle when we reluctantly come apart.  
„That's Eddie. Our singer. He calls everyone darling. He's dropping off his dog, which I forgot.“  
Roger goes to open the door and shortly afterwards a man stands in front of me looking like a damn good George Michael double.  
„Roger? Roger, you fucking scumbag! Is that John Taylor here in your kitchen? My goodness! If I'd known that, I'd have at least dressed up a little bit. Edward Thornton, my pleasure!“  
„John Taylor. Nice to meet you.“  
„Roger, would you come over here, please? I'm about to wet my pants with excitement! You really could have told me! Excuse me, Mr Taylor, I'm totally nervous. Oh, that^s Beanie. Beanie, the bassgod, the bassgod, Beanie ! »  
At his feet sits something that looks like a hamster with very big ears.  
I start laughing and can't stop, not even when Roger comes in and looks confused from one to the other.

„What's wrong with him?“

„I have no idea.“ Edward Michael shrugs.  
„Beanie! Beanie and Nigel! I'm dying!“

When I can breathe again I tell them that Beanie is the nickname of my daughter, which makes them laugh, too.  
Roger makes fresh coffee and we sit down.  
„So you're the singer, huh? What kind of music do you make?" I want to know.  
„Oh, cover stuff. We play in gay clubs and on birthdays of friends, nothing special. I almost dropped dead when Roger showed up in our rehearsal room. How long ago, darling? Ten years? I was always a Duran duran fan, my god, what were you all beautiful! I wished so much you would all be gay! And then there's this guy who looks like Roger Taylor! I took weeks to believe he was really Roger! At least one in five is gay, very nice!"

„Two" I say 

« Huh? »

« Two out of five! One just didn't want to admit it for a very long time. »

« Ooooh, really? It's Nick, right? I bet it's Nick! »

« It's me. »  
Edward looks at me for a long time.  
Then he looks at Roger.

„I understand!“ he says quietly. „Roger, darling, would you be so kind as to leave us alone for a moment?“

« Eddie, that's ridiculous! »

« It is not. Go out with Beanie, she has to pee. I'm your best friend, and I need to talk to the bass god, okay? You don't want the little one pissing on the floor, do you? »  
To my surprise, he's actually leaving.

„So, you and Roger, huh?“

„I hope so. I wish for it.“

„Do you love him?“  
Fuck, this bloke is pretty direct, isn^t he?

„I loved him very much once and I think I still do.“

„You sure you're not just an uptight straight guy who wants a little ass fucking? I could understand that, you know. After all, he has a pretty cute ass. But do you know what else he has? A big heart. A wounded soul. Listen, John Taylor, if you just want to try what it's like with a man, find someone else.“

„You like him very much, don't you?“

„He is my best friend. And I won't let him get hurt. I completely failed with that stupid Adrian, that won't happen to me again! How does a womanizer like you suddenly become gay?“

„It's the other way around. I'm a gay man who tried to be a womanizer.“

„Well, you were extraordinarily successful with that. »  
« Eddie… »  
« It^s Edward for you, we are no friends yet.“  
„ Edward, then, okay. I was a drug addict for a long time, as you may know. That is not an excuse. I fell in love with Roger when I was 19 years old, on our first tour, 1980. A little later we were famous. Have you ever seen old photos of me? I actually looked like that weird dog, if you put thick glasses on him! And suddenly I was the woman's favorite. And there was Roger, my catholic mother...“  
„I'm not interested in any of this. Whatever you did or didn't do in the past doesn't matter to me. I just want you to be sure about what you're doing now. If you love each other, wonderful! I will be happy to sing a duet with Simon Le Bon at your wedding and you are welcome to call me Eddie. But if this is just a phase, if you just want to fuck your band mate for old times' sake, go home! Do we understand each other, John Taylor?“


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A decision

„Yeah Mister Thornton!“  
„Goodness, you sound like a bloody american ! Who else knows?“  
„What?“  
„You said you^re gay. Who else knows that ? »  
« Nick. And Larry. »  
« Whoa! That's what I call a coming out! »he laughs ironically. « It's so easy to tell a gay man you're gay, isn't it? Or the one, two people in the world you call your best friends .But you know what^s hard ? Telling it to all the straight, bigoted human beings out there. You don^t know what a coming out is, bassgod, until you walked hand in hand with your boyfriend through London city, until you will be insulted for kissing the one you love in public. See, I know your parents are long gone, but you have a daughter, huh? I have one, too. She^s getting bullyed at school. When she was 4, my husband Safar picked her up from kindergarten. Well, he tried. But even though they knew he^s my partner, they won^t let him take Kayla home. Because…imagine that!...we^re not bloody married! How could we be married if it^s not allowed! It^s a fight, John Taylor! Every bloody fucking day you have to fight for things which are absolutely normal for straight couples. Even in the UK, in the year 2001. You will face hatred and disgust. People will make stupid jokes about you. Can you stand that, womanizer? Are you strong enough to have another daily fight , besides staying clean?“

That is, in fact, a very good question.  
He shakes his head sadly when I don't answer.

„Too bad, isn't it? Too bad that it's not just about fucking and smooching. Oh, and blowjobs, lets not forget about the blowjobs! Think about it, JT! I gotta go now, my man^s waiting, we have to catch a flight tomorrow morning and we need to pack. Back in two weeks. Will I see you in two weeks, bassgod, or will you be in LA dating supermodels?“ 

„I will be here.“ That comes out loud and clear. Yes, I will be here. If he lets me, if he wants me to stay, Roger. I know what fighting is, right ? And I will fight ! Edward Thornton may thinks I^m a fucking weakling, but I^m not! I don't have to prove that to him, though, I have to prove it to Roger. And I will.  
We don't shake hands to say goodbye.  
Outside I hear the small hamster with the big ears barking like hell and minutes later Beanie jumps straight into my lap. She seems to like me better than her owner.  
« I hope he wasn't too hard on you. » Roger says from the doorway.  
„He^s just being honest. He reminds me of Nick. It's good that you have such a friend. »  
« You still haven't called Nick, Johnny. Do that! I'll make us something to eat“  
Beanie squeaks when I want to get up. I'll have to take her with me. She fits easily into my palm.  
„You seem to have a thing for very funny dogs, Eddie and you. I have never seen such a tiny dog!“  
„We got the two of them from the shelter. Nobody wanted them. Go make a call now, Nick's probably worried.“

I talk to Nick for almost an hour before a delicious smell makes my mouth water. My stomach growls enthusiastically.  
„Nick, I think dinner is ready! Goodness, it smells fantastic!“  
„Talking about dinner, what about having dinner together tomorrow? Balans restaurant, at seven?“  
„Perfect!“  
The food is as delicious as it smells. A meal that actually screams for a good wine. Being an alcoholic sucks. I don't miss being drunk in any way, but these little, fine pleasures. Wine with food. A good whisky in the evening. Such things. I'll tell Roger about that. We talk a lot during dinner and it feels good. Familiar. But we need to talk about some important things, things that might feel less good.  
„Have you been together for long, you and Adrian?“  
„Five years.“  
„How did you meet?“  
„At the local cruising place, behind a hazel bush.“  
« Ah. »  
« That was a joke, John! He was at a party of a friend^s friend, we played there. »  
„Do you miss him?“  
„No. Well…I miss that someone is waiting for me, I miss arms around me at night, and god knows that I miss sex, but it^s not…how can I say? I don't miss him, I miss what we had. Does that make sense?“  
„Absolutely. What happened after you left in 1985? Where did you go?“  
„Back to my parents at first. Half a year later I got my own flat in Brum city. I'm not supposed to list the last 15 years of my life, am I? I've been fine, John. It was good for me to leave. I couldn't take all that shit no more. I couldn't stand you any more. I've been hoping for so long that you could love me, that we could have more than...“

"Kissing and fucking and blowjobs. Let^s not forget about the blowjobs. I^m quoting Edward here. I loved you, Roger ! I did everything I could to make it go away, that warm, beautiful feeling in my belly when I even looked at you, but it never went away. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it was always more, Roger. It was always more than sex. »  
« Is it still there? That feeling in your belly?“

„Oh yes! Please, Roger, I want this! Please give me a second chance! I know you're scared, and I'm scared too, I'm fucking scared. I know, we have to get to know each other again, I know, you don't trust me. But it must mean something that this feeling has never gone away, that I had it with nobody else.“  
„Have you ever had sex with men, John? After I left?“

„I last had sex with a man on july 14th, 1985. You can say a lot of bad things about cocaine, but it makes you horny and potent. I had three orgasms, and since I'm an absolutely stupid idiot, I called the man at the last cum Renee. In contrast to me, this man had pride and self-esteem and kicked me out.“  
Roger looks at me silently for a long time. I can see that behind his forehead, in his head, a fierce battle of emotions is taking place.  
My heart is beating like crazy and I can hardly breathe. He will make a decision, and that decision will be final, I know him well enough to be aware of it. I almost pass out when he gets up. What's going on now? Is he going? Is he leaving me? That is nonsense, it is his house! Oh God, what is he doing?  
« Look at me, John Taylor! Look at me and listen! First of all, there were four. You came four times. Once in my mouth, twice in my ass and once across my chest. Second, if you hadn't been such a damn good lover, even without cocaine by the way, I wouldn't have done it to myself for five years. And last but not least, pull your pants down! »  
« What? »  
„Are you deaf? Pants down! You will sit very still, John womanizer Taylor, you will neither pull my hair nor put your hand in my neck. No, John, don't talk! Pull down your pants! There you go! I'm a man, John! I'm not one of your screaming groupies. I'm not 25 anymore either, I don't want to waste my time, I want everything or nothing! So take a good look if you really want this!“

What the hell?  
He takes his clothes off, very slowly.  
"Ro..."  
„Shut up, John!‘ His shirt lands on the floor.  
Oh God! Oh my god.  
Yes, fuck, he's a man, and what a man!  
One with a broad, hairy chest, with strong abdominal muscles, with...my goodness!... a perfect, rock-hard cock. Muscled legs…  
« Look, John, you get all this if you prove to me that you're about more than that! »

He shows me his back, his ass. I've been as hard as he has been for a long time.

« But we shouldn't forget the blowjobs, should we, John? You won't get my ass, not yet, but if I remember correctly you liked my mouth almost as much. »

Stars explode behind my lids as he puts me in his mouth. I start screaming as his tongue tip plucks my frenulum. A strong hand presses my balls until just before the pain threshold. I'll burst into a thousand pieces.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John meets a very special young lady

I would have liked to have had it longer, but I can't hold myself back. I've never come that fast in my life. Besides, my yelling frightens poor little Beanie to death for sure.  
I can't really comprehend what happened here.  
Roger looks up at me and licks his lips. God ! He swallowed me! Just like that.  
„You're still very tasty, Johnny. You should go to bed now, you've had a long day. »  
What ? He can't be serious.  
„Please ! Please don^t do that ! Don't push me away, Roger, please ! » I pant desperately.  
« I^m not pushing you away, Johnny. You really need to sleep. And if I'm in the same bed with you, we're not sleeping. Besides, I'm not ready yet, ok? I won't push you away! I want you to stay here. »  
„Then why did you do that?“

„Because I wanted to show you that I could do it better than your fucking chicks. I^m serious, John! Be sure that you really want this, that you really want me! I'm not gonna let you break my heart again but I... I couldn't resist you, John, I never could. Please go to sleep now. Please, John! »  
How vulnerable he makes himself to me, naked and kneeling, somehow defenceless. He would open the door for me, as he always did, until I gave him a reason to send me away for good. Suddenly I realize what power I have over him, still. If I wanted to, I could drag him into my bedroom now and he^s well aware of that. But I'm not the selfish asshole anymore, and that's what I have to prove to him.  
« Can I take a shower first? » 

„Sure.“

That he is still naked seems to strike him only when he gets up, and he blushes a little bit.  
„I wanted... I don't know. I think I wanted to know if you thought I was attractive“  
« You're not attractive. You're absolutely gorgeous! »

When I get out of the shower, he's dressed.  
Shortly I thought about just wrapping a towel around my hips and then dropping it. After all, I also want to know if he still finds me attractive. But that's silly, isn't it? 

So I wear shorts and a t-shirt.  
The short kiss we give each other would be to call chaste if it weren't for the taste of my cum on his lips.

I wouldn't have thought it possible, but as soon as my head touches the pillow, I fall asleep. Deep and dreamless.   
I wake up because there^s a heavy weight on my chest and something wet brushes over my face.  
It’s Nigel, the nerdy dog, who fervently licks my face.  
Get off me! Get off me!   
Laughing, I push him away.  
With shock I realize that it is already two o'clock in the afternoon. That's what my watch says.

Fuck! I overslept half the day. Time I could have spent with him!  
I tap into the bathroom, closely followed by the dog. Afterwards I go into the kitchen. I absolutely need coffee,lots of coffee. It's the only addiction I've got left.  
„Hi!“ someone behind me suddenly says as I'm putting coffee powder in the filter.  
« My goodness, you scared me! » I blurt. It's a girl, about Atlanta's age.  
« Why should I scare you? You are much bigger than me. Nice glasses! »  
« Thank you, yours are beautiful too. »  
« You think ? Sorry I let Nigel in your room, I was curious. It would be nice if you didn't tell Roger. »  
« Would you tell me who you are? »  
« Oh, where are my manners ! I^m Kayla Adele Thornton-Rashid.“  
„What a melodious name! I^m Nigel John Taylor!“  
„No shit? Your name is Nigel? If I were you, I'd call myself John.“  
« You're just as direct as your father. » I laugh.  
« Like which one of my fathers? Ah, I'm sure you mean my biological one ! Personally I am very happy that he discovered only after my birth that he is gay. Imagine that! Otherwise I would not exist at all! »  
« That would undoubtedly be a terrible loss to mankind.“  
„Tell me, Nigel John Taylor, are you making fun of me?“  
My god, I think I've just fallen in love. This kid is adorable. A female smart-ass nerd.  
« No, not at all! I'm sure my daughter is also very happy that she exists.“  
„Your daughter must be pretty. You're pretty too. Have you ever noticed that a lot of gay men are really pretty? Oh, would you like something to eat? We baked a cake yesterday at school, I brought it with me.“  
A little later I sit at the kitchen table with Kayla Adele Thornton-Rashid and eat truly delicious chocolate cake.  
„Where's Roger?“ I ask.  
„Shopping with my grandma. They left me here so you wouldn't be alone when you woke up. Where do you know Roger from?“  
„We used to play in the same band.“ It reminds me, Kayla must be older than Atlanta. Didn't Edward say they'd been making music together for ten years? In a gay band. So after Kayla's birth.  
„How old are you, Kayla?“  
I'm 12. I was a premature baby, that^s why I ^m too small for my age. My mother was in a fatal car accident and they had to get me out of her belly. I almost died too.“  
„I'm sorry about that, dear!“  
„Well, I'm still alive, aren't I? How old is your daughter?“  
„Atlanta is nine“  
„Atlanta? Like the city? How cool! Can I ask you something? It^s a very personal question, though ! »  
« Just ask, then I'll decide if I want to answer.“  
„You have a crush on Roger, don't you? »  
« I have a terrible crush on Roger ! Can I ask you a personal question? »  
« That's fair, I think. » she shrugs.  
„Is it hard for you to have gay fathers? »  
« Sometimes. So Atlanta doesn't know it yet, huh? »  
« You're really smart, Kayla Adele ! »  
« Are you afraid to tell her? It might be harder for her than it is for me. I don't know any other way. Dad and Safar met when I was a baby. Actually, they got to know each other through me.“  
„How's that?“  
« Do you like romantic stories? Because I think it's a very romantic story! It still makes me cry even though I've heard it a thousand times. »  
« You know how to make someone curious. Tell me! »  
« Once upon a time there was a young intern named Safar Rashid. He had come to London because his Lebanese family had disowned him. Safar was gay, his parents and brothers didn't like that. He worked in the neonatal intensive care unit. One day a tiny baby was brought to his ward. The baby's mother had died in a car accident. Safar was surprised that nobody came to visit this baby. He was writing his doctoral thesis on the importance of physical contact for premature babies. Unfortunately he didn't have much time to hold the babies himself, although he knew how important that would be, so he set about finding the relatives of this tiny girl. He found her father, but the guy never answered the phone when he called. So Safar took the subway across London in his limited free time to tell the man to take care of his little daughter.  
The door to the apartment was open and between all the rubbish he found a crying, completely drunk guy. The man mourned his beloved wife and didn't want to know anything about his daughter, but Safar visited him every day. He brought him photos, even if Edward tore them up every time. He told him about the girl, even if Edward covered his ears. The girl didn't even have a name because no one had given her one. Safar had two good friends, nurses on his ward, Kayla and Adele, so he simply named the girl after them. For three months he drove to Edward every day. The door was always open. One evening Safar came into a tidy, clean apartment and Edward was sober for the first time. Did you bring a photo, he asked. They talked all night long, although the young assistant doctor had to be on duty very early the next day. Edward and he went to the hospital together and for the first time the father had his daughter in his arms...are you crying, Nigel?“  
Yes, I am! Apart from the fact that this story is really intense, I just realized that Edward knew exactly what he was talking about when he asked me if I could stay clean and face being gay. Edward is an alcoholic like me, but unlike me, he had a good reason to start drinking.  
„Go on, Kayla! What happened next?“  
„From then on, Edward came to the ward every day, but Safar still came to him to help him. Edward noticed that Safar was as lonely as he was and asked him if he didn't want to move in with him. Then the Lebanese told him his story. That his parents had kicked him out because he was gay, and for sure Edward would not want to live with a gay man. Ed, however, had no problems with that. Maybe, if only in his subconsciuos mind, he had already fallen in love with Safar, who knows? When Kayla was six month old, she could leave the hospital. When she was 3, she got her own room because Safar and Edward were sharing a bedroom and a seperate room for Safar was no longer needed. It took them two and a half years to confess their love, and I hope they will live happily ever after. Here's a handkerchief, Nigel.“  
„After all, your father was faster than me. It took me 21 years.“ I sob.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kayla has a lot to tell

“And now you`re here, all the way from the US. That`s a start, isn`t it? “  
This girl is simply awesome.  
“I`ll help you, Nigel, because I like you!”  
“What are you trying to help me with?”  
“To win his heart! I know him pretty well I can probably give you a few tips. Can you cook?”  
“I`m a bit slow at it, but I`m still learning.”  
“Cook with him, he loves cooking. He learned most of it from his mum and my grandma. Adrian hated cooking. But maybe I shouldn`t talk to you about Adrian. That`s his ex, you know. “  
“The asshole who left him for someone half his age, yeah!”  
“Exactly! And you know what? His new boyfriend doesn`t even look good! I would call it quite a downgrade. And his name is Justus! Please! I`m incredibly angry with Adrie, you know. I feel betrayed by him. Because, I actually liked him, and my dads liked him and I thought he`s cool. Besides, I was so looking forward to the wedding after all.”  
“The wedding?” An icy cold shiver runs down my spine.  
“No real wedding, of course. That’s not allowed, which is completely bullshit, if you ask me! People who love each other should be allowed to get married! Oh crap, Nigel, I shouldn`t have told you this, huh? I definitely talk too much, sorry!”  
“Don`t back off now, girl, it`s too late anyway.”  
“Oh man, Roger`s gonna be killing me! “  
“I won`t tell him, Kayla! So, Roger and Adrian had planned a wedding?”  
“Roger proposed to him at a birthday party of a friend because years ago they met at a birthday party of this friend. That was downright romantic. Flowers, a ring, tears, all that. Man, I already had a dress! My dad would have been the best man and he went to buy a suit with Roger. My, he looked so stunning in it! All their friends were involved and there`s a big party planned, two weeks after Adrian`s Birthday last year. Roger got tickets for *The witches of Eastwick* even though he hates musicals. I think he hates them even more now. Anyway, at Adrian`s birthday they went to see the show. During the break he was gone. Roger thought he might went to the restrooms and got them drinks at the bar. He heard a few staff members making fun of the main male actor. Justus Redding. That he just picked one out of the audience and dragged him backstage, that it was clearly to hear what they were doing there, but those gays, well, they`re always loud, aren`t they? Roger got a strange feeling in his belly and made his way backstage, and then he heard it. There`s no need to see what he heard, because he surely recognized Adrian`s …let`s say *noises*. By the way, my dad is of the opinion that that was not the first time he cheated on Roger. However, Adrian always denied that, He said Justus and him were just love at first sight and he couldn't do anything about it. Roger kicked him out, of course. 2 weeks before the wedding, imagine that! Roger didn`t want to see anyone and my dads were terribly worried. One day they just broke the door and got him out. He lived in our apartment for a while. That Justus is only half his age, I think, offended him a lot and he started doing a lot of sports. He's been running for years, but now he also does weight training and stuff. He didn't need that, he looks much better than that snooty Justus, but it helped him. After two months he moved back into the house here and we completely renovated it, by the way I chose the colours for the walls, beautiful, isn't it? I painted almost the whole kitchen and the hallway, that was fun! When everything was ready, the dads and Roger went to the shelter and …oh my goodness! Nigel! Nigel is called Nigel because of you! You are the sinister prince!”

“What?”

“Oooh, that`s so so sooo romantic, Nigel! One day, Roger and I were alone in here and busy with painting walls, I asked him about his first love. I love those stories, you know? So, here`s another one for you.  
Once upon a time there was a quite shy boy called Roger, and when Roger was 15, he noticed that he preferred boys over girls, what shocked him to the bone. There was no one he could speak about it with and he was secretly hoping that this might be only a phase. Roger wanted to be a drummer so badly that he sold his boat to get a drumkit, and his parents were not amused. But Roger trained really hard and once he thought he`d be good enough, he was looking for a band to play with. Not only did he find a band, he fell in love. There was such a funny, a little clumsy guy whose legs were much too long for his body. But Roger found him beautiful. Nigel, can you take off your glasses for a moment? Thank you! Roger said, this bloke had the most beautiful eyes. That`s true, you really have! Anyway, some may would have called this lad an ugly duckling, but for Roger, he was a prince. Unfortunately, he really turned into a prince as he somehow transformed from a clumsy nerd into a stunning heartthrob, what didn`t do him any good. Princes don’t want another prince, princes want princesses, right? Many princesses wanted this prince and he became arrogant and sinister, there was nothing left of the funny, clumsy bloke Roger fell in love with and even if he still loved him terribly, he had to leave the sinister prince. That`s you! After all this time! Oooh, I love it!” Kayla eagerly claps her hands. “I`ll help you, Nigel! This story needs a happy end! “  
“Actually, my name is John” I say quietly, swallowing at the lump in my throat.  
“Perfect! It would be irritating if you had the same name as this dog, huh? So. John. You should get dressed properly before granny and Rog are back. Jeans would be fine, Roger likes it casual. And comb your hair, you're a pretty messed up prince. Do you have contact lenses? Ah, no, wait, the glasses are cool, leave them on!”  
She waves her hands impatiently. “What are you waiting for? They could be back at any minute!”  
It`s a whole hour before they are back and Kayla and I sit in the kitchen with my laptop, me showing her old Duran Duran-photos.  
“Granny!” Kayla beams when they come in. “Did you know that Roger was famous, I mean, faaaamous! Why did no one tell me?”  
“I thought you know, sweetie, your dad listens a lot to this band! Clara Thornton, my pleasure, Mr Taylor!”  
Ah, Roger is smiling so beautifully again!  
“Slept well?” he winks.  
“That wasn`t sleeping, it was more like a coma. I clearly underestimated the jetlag”  
I'm a little surprised when he bends down to me and gives me a kiss.  
"You smell good! New aftershave?”  
“Same as yesterday, but it was most likely gone after the long flight. You smell good too, by the way!” I see how Kayla and her grandma wink at each other.  
Roger does not only smell good, he looks simply gorgeous. There`s nothing like a good old well -fitted washed-out jeans with a plain white Tee and a black leather jacket, but it`s even better when he takes that jacket off.  
“Seriously? You ate all the cake? “Rog blurts when he sees the empty plates.  
“Poor Nigel, I mean, John, was hungry! Man, look at him, he`s waaaay too thin, huh? He needed chocolate cake!”  
“You ate more cake than me, you shameless liar!” I toss a serviette at her.  
“I still have to grow, unlike you! You are surely long enough! And your feet, goodness! How can one have so large feet! I could paddle down the Thames in one of your sneakers! How can you be that cruel to a half orphan! I really hope for your daughter that one day there will be a least one well mannered man in her family! Come on, gran, we gotta go! This bloke is unbearable! No, Beanie, you have to stay here! Hopefully the big sinister prince won`t eat you alive!” Resolutely she shoos her speechless grandmother out of the kitchen.  
“Nice plan, you nagger! Which of you is driving?” Roger shouts after them.  
“Ooops! Ack! Well, at least you will have to admit that I was good, huh?” Kayla comes back in, grinning. “Please forgive me this little detail of a not existing driver`s license!”  
She flings her arms around Roger`s waist und looks at him with big puppy eyes. “Do you still love me? I just wanted to leave you two alone. Because I now know why you called Nigel Nigel and who the sinister prince is. He doesn`t seem very sinister to me, though! I think he`s really nice!” The way Roger looks at the girl, so lovingly, makes me wish it would be Atlanta. God, how much I wish that he`d look at her one day like he does at Kayla! I miss Beanie but it`s too late for a phone call since London is 8 hours ahead from LA and she`s in school already.  
I wanted to ask Kayla so many questions about what it`s like to have two dads. Edward spoke of bullying, disgust and hatred, but his daughter seems to be pretty cool about it. I definitely have to meet her again.  
“You don`t have to drive us home, hon! Call us a taxi and we`re fine!” Clara smiles.

We bring the ladies to the car when it arrived and wave after them until they`re out of sight.  
Then Roger turns to me, smiling a bit awkwardly.  
“Well, my sinister prince, looks like you and the nagger had an interesting conversation!”  
“She`s adorable! Yeah, we had a very intense talk, but I`m not supposed to tell you about it!”  
“At least I know she told you about the sinister prince. She will give everything for a happy end now, she loves happy endings!”  
“Who doesn`t! I heard you’re a keen runner. That`s something we have in common! I did the New York marathon last year. How about a round?”  
“Let`s do this tomorrow, ok? I wanted to take the dogs for a walk, showing you around. Beanie can^t go running with us, that`s too much for her. Besides, when running I can`t hold your hand!”  
“That`s a very good point!”  
“See? I`m almost as smart as the nagger! The glasses look good on you, by the way.”  
Never before had we walked hand in hand. Sure, fields and forest paths can`t be compared to London city, but I think it`s a pretty good start. We even meet a few other people and are friendly greeted. Different than planned we have to run a little later because it starts to rain heavily, so I take Beanie und we make our way back. We`re soaking wet when we enter the house and the first thing we do is rubbing Nigel dry before he messes up the carpets.  
“My, did I miss the beautiful English weather!” I shudder.  
“Are you homesick yet?” he tries to sound light-hearted but I hear the sadness in his voice quite well.  
“No, not for LA, at least. After meeting Kayla, I miss Atlanta. Do you like kids, Roger?”  
“I like kids very much, Johnny. The hardest thing for me about being gay was the fact that I`d never have my own kids.”  
“You have to meet Beanie. She'll love you. You and Nigel and this house.”  
“Johnny, take it down a notch. One thing at a time! It`s almost 5, we should get ready for dinner. Come, my sinister prince!”  
Only when we are in the bathroom together it slowly dawned on me what he had in mind and when he starts to unbutton my shirt there`s not the slightest doubt left about it.  
“What are you doing?”  
“I take your clothes off. Or would you like to shower fully dressed?”  
I barely dare to move when I feel his hands on my skin, his breath on my neck. He takes his time to get me out of my clothes and at some point I close my eyes and simply enjoy the familiar yet completely new feeling to be touched by him.  
“Kayla is right, you are skinny. But not too much. It suits you, John Taylor. I like your tan. You look healthy.” He leaves a trace of sweet wet kisses all over my chest before he sucks in a nipple.  
“Ooooh, goodness, Roger! Please don't ask me to hold still this time. I want to touch you! Please let me touch you!”  
“That`s the plan. I want to shower with you, ok? Did you ever notice that in those five years back then we never took a shower together?”

No, I didn`t. And right now I don`t really care, because all I care for is the firm, almost hot flesh of his naked buttocks in my hands. He always liked it if I kneaded them hard, and apparently that's still the case. His hard cock rubs against my thigh, his head falls on my shoulder and he purrs like a cat. I can`t resist letting a finger run through the slightly sweaty crack. His muscles tighten and he pushes me away, but he doesn`t seem to be upset. “Shower!” he commands.  
The incredible tenderness with which he devotes himself to every inch of my body almost makes me cry. He soaps me up and shampooes my hair, smiling with rapture and I`m ever so happy to return the favour.  
“Fuck, Roger! You feel fantastic! I will never be able to stop touching you!”  
“Since you made up with Nick for dinner, you will have to! But I'm gonna die if you don't finally touch my cock! I jerked off three times last night and I stood in front of your door double as much. God, John Taylor, you are killing me! I thought I could control it, but I can`t! I just can`t , Johnny!”  
Slowly, in our very own rhythm, we wank each other, never breaking eye contact. This simple kind of sex is more intense than anything I ever had since Roger left me. He notices when I`m close, what no woman ever did, and he does what he did yesterday. He presses my balls. Ths time it hurts a wee bit, but that`s ok. He`s allowed to hurt me. In this way, at least.  
Our cum mixes with the warm water.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dinner with Nick and his girlfriend

Who would have thought that we have our first argument only minutes later. It comes totally out of the blue.  
And everything was so wonderfully relaxed. For the first time I was in his bedroom, if only to keep him company while he was dressing.  
“Nick will be happy when he sees us holding hands. He`s been very supportive.”  
“We can`t “  
“Huh?”   
“No holding hands, no smooching, Johnny! Not in a very popular restaurant in central London when we meet with Nick!”  
“Why not?”   
“Because we will surely attract attention. Some paparazzi will spot us and there will be pictures of our dinner.”  
“What`s the point, Roger? I thought you`re openly gay for years!”  
“I am, but you are not. The point is, Johnny, you have a nine- year old daughter who has no clue that her dad likes to make out with men. Do you think it`s a good idea to let her find that out through paparazzi photos? “  
“I don`t like *to make out with men*, I love to make out with YOU! And even if there would be any paparazzi around, I don`t think the pics will make it to the US so quickly. And if so, Atlanta is not a bit interested in yellow press, she won’t see them.” I`m absolutely pissed! How am I supposed to spend a whole evening near to him without a touch?  
“Believe me, John, there will be pics and they will make it to the US. Someone who knows Atlanta will see them and tell her about it. People will make fun of it. Maybe she will get insulted. There are a lot of homophobic assholes on this planet and you have to talk about that with her before we can act like a couple in public.”  
“Then I`ll call Nick and cancel the dinner!” I blurt.  
“Nonsense, Johnny! He`s your best friend and you rarely see him! If you want you can go alone.”  
“No! I don`t want to go alone! I want to spend the evening with the man I love! And I don`t want to hide!”  
“Johnny” he says softly while he`s pulling me close. “You`ve been hiding for decades, an evening more won`t kill you! Besides, the dinner won`t take the whole night, huh?”

“You think I'm a bad father, Roger?”  
“No, darling! I think you are a great father. And I find it wonderful that you want to show yourself with me in public. But I think you underestimate the reactions. Look, nobody is interested in me anymore, but you and Nick are still very prominent, and if you show up somewhere together you will be reported. What kind of gossip do you think there will be when the big womanizer suddenly makes out with a man? “  
“I would be very grateful if you could stop to call me womanizer!”  
“You worked real hard for this reputation, didn`t you? Come on, John, let`s not fight! We gonna drive to London now, have a nice dinner, and when we`re back you are very welcome to touch me wherever you want, ok?   
“Wherever I want? “  
“Wherever you want with whatever you want.”  
Well, if this isn`t a promise worth waiting for!

My excellent mood is gone in a flash when we enter the restaurant, Roger way too many inches behind me.  
“Ack! Why?” I murmur. He should have told me. I love Nick with all my heart but his taste in women is absolutely terrible! The crown of all is that blonde sitting beside him. Meredith. I hate Meredith and Meredith hates me. Great. That`s gonna be a joyful evening!   
“What`s the matter?” Roger asks quietly.  
“Meredith. The greatest plague of mankind since the Spanish flu!”  
“Relax, bro! It`s just one of those bitches, yeah?” he says in what he thinks is an American accent and I really, really wish I could hug him for that.  
Instead, I hug Nick who noticed us and comes over. Why is it that it`s ok to embrace my friend but not my lover? Nick even kisses me, Nick kisses everyone he likes. Men, women, he just doesn`t care. He also kisses Roger, this lucky man!   
“The rhythm section reunited! What a pleasure!” he beams while he leads us to the table.  
“Johnny! Oooh, so good to see you! Where`s your girlfriend? And who`s that?”  
I almost answered with * it`s my boyfriend* just to make her speechless.   
“Roger, me! I like your hair!”   
“Thank you!” she breathes.  
This stupid, mincing cow! And what the hell got into Roger?  
“Would you mind if I sit beside you, My lady?” he smiles.  
Noooo! I want to sit beside him!   
Since Meredith is obviously completely fascinated by Roger and babbles to him all the time, I can at least talk to Nick in peace. Maybe that was Roger's plan. At least that's what I think until the food is served and Roger drops his fork.  
“Ack, how clumsy! he dives under the table and just when I wonder what the hell he`s doing there for so long he comes up again. “There it is!”   
He kindly asks the waiter for a new one.  
Nick and Roger both skipped wine for dinner, which they didn't have to. But I know they do it out of consideration. Meredith probably doesn't even know how to spell consideration but a second later you might think I'm more drunk than she is because I almost drop my water glass. Under the table a stockinged foot gropes its way up my leg.  
So that's what he did. He took off his shoe.  
Without any hesitation the foot finds his final target.  
The man who doesn't want to hold hands with me in public is just rubbing his foot between my legs!  
“Hmmm! That`s good!” I moan, pretending to talk about the food, not the foot.  
Nick looks at me strangely, because I have just pushed an artichoke into my mouth almost lustfully and he knows that I hate artichokes. I guess I didn't really read what's on the vegetarian plate. Maybe I should have listened to Kayla and left the glasses on.  
At the moment I don't care what I eat, as long as I don't have to talk. My voice would tremble or I would sound as if I was about to have an asthma attack.  
“So, you`re gay?” Meredith wonders and for a split second I think she`s talking to me.  
“Ab-so-lute-ly com-plete-ly gay!” Roger nods and with every single syllable he claws his toes into the fabric of my pants, massaging my cock.  
“What a terrible loss to the female world!” she sighs. “Do you have a boyfriend?”  
He has! And this boyfriend is close to cum right into his pants!  
“Yeah, but nobody should know.”

“Why? Is he married?”  
“He's got a reputation for being a ladies' man. I think we need to prepare the women's world carefully for this shock. Damn it, Meredith! They will hate me!”  
Nick bursts out laughing. When Nick laughs, I laugh along with him. Always. There is nothing I can do about it.   
Roger's heel presses firmly into my balls and warm moisture spreads through my underpants as I gasp for air. An orgasm camouflaged by a laughter attack. I have to remember this trick.  
It takes a while before I feel stable enough to get up. My jacket may cover the telltale stain, but the sticky mess has to be cleaned. Actually, I should take Roger with me, lock us in the bathroom and force him to clean me up. With his tongue.  
He`s talking to Meredith as if nothing happened, ignoring me completely. Any paparazzi could have taken hundreds of pics and the headline would be something like * Is the long- lost drummer flirting with Nick Rhodes` girlfriend? *  
“Would you excuse me for a minute? A contact lens slipped out of place, have to fix that!”   
This bastard doesn`t even look up!   
When I come out of the toilet stall, my completely sticky underpants stuffed into my trouser pocket, Nick is waiting for me in front of the washbasins.  
“What the hell was that, John?” he grins.  
“Have you ever seen Flashdance? The movie?” I chuckle.  
“Yes, and what is that abou..oh. Oh goodness! Seriously? Under the table, with his foot? Ok, that`s indeed a very good reason to eat artichokes! And I thought it isn`t working out between you two because you seemed to be so distanced!”  
“He wants me to talk to Beanie first, before we make it official!”  
“Roger Taylor is a wise man, if you ask me. So, you want that, yes? You want to make it official. Please do not misunderstand me, little brother, I grant it to you from my heart, but how can you be sure after so few hours?”  
“I can`t be sure. It`s just…see, it feels like being a dry alcoholic. There`s no guarantee, and it won`t be easy, but I know that this is what I want. I really want this, Nick! I love him, I have always loved him! And now I should go back in, imagine there would be rumours about you and me locked in a toilet stall!”  
His laughter follows me on the way back to the table.  
It`s after midnight when we say goodbye in front of the restaurant and we wait until Nick and Meredith had entered a taxi before we walk to the parked car, with a safe distance between us.  
“Roger?”   
“Hm?”  
“Watch out, laces are open, don`t stumble!”  
“Oh. I guess I've been a little scatterbrained lately.”  
How much I`d love to take him in my arms! Not being able to touch him is killing me. I realize that it will be like this for quite a while, after all, I can`t tell Beanie on the phone.  
“Have you ever been to LA?” I wonder.  
“Despite being on tour with you guys, no. But I think I would like to see what it`s like.”  
“We could fly there together. As soon as possible. I have some very important things to do there, you know? And I want you to meet the only girl I`ve ever been truly in love with.”  
We have reached the car and he opens the door for me.  
Are we safe?  
Can I kiss him now?  
He makes this decision for me, his lips warm on mine, his strong hand on the back of my neck, pulling me in. It`s a tender, loving kiss, but I want more, so much more! He lets my tongue in as I demand entrance, lets me explore his warm moist mouth almost passively, giving me control.  
As if he would say without words *I let you in, I trust you, I do not fight back*   
Only when we hear people laughing as they walk past the car on the sidewalk do we come apart. It`s definitely too crowded here to go any further.  
“Let`s drive home!” he smiles.   
Home. That sounds good.  
“Did you like?” he asks when we drove off and it takes me a while to figure what he`s talking about.  
“Goodness, Roger, you almost killed me, literally! I was close to choke on an artichoke!”  
“I`m sorry!” he chuckles.  
“No, you are not, you naughty thing. You changed, Roger. You are not that sweet shy guy anymore! And I love that! You know, I always had the feeling that you kept yourself down somehow.”  
“Well, I couldn`t be myself, huh? I didn't mean to attract attention, John. I was afraid someone would notice. I've known since I was 15 that I'm gay and only after I left Duran Duran could I talk to my family about it. My father wasn't too enthusiastic, my mother said she had always known and my brother just didn`t care. Steve is the most unjudging person I know. Well, dad got used to it, the world was still moving and I deeply regretted that it took me so long.”  
“Edward said it`s a daily fight!”   
“Ah, he`s exaggerating! He takes it all too personal, that`s it. I mean, I don't want to trivialize it, of course there are a lot of disadvantages. You learn to deal with it, not to let everything come close to you. There will always be assholes, Johnny. And if they can`t offend you by calling you a sick, perverted cock-sucking ass fucker, they`ll find something else. It`s harder when you have kids, though. Not everyone is as cool as the nagger.”  
“She`s adorable! Stop calling her nagger!”  
“I truly madly deeply love her and it`s mutual. When Kayla was four, Eddie cancelled her from kindergarten because they didn't accept Safar. That`s Eddie`s husband.”

"He told me what happened. They didn't let Kayla go with him, did they?”  
“Exactly. So, Eddie took her out of kindergarten, but now they needed someone to look after Kayla since they both have jobs to do. As you may have guessed, I gladly helped. I was the hero of the playground and my goodness, as a supposed single father there are real chances with women. I'm sure you know that!”  
“Har har, so funny! And? Did you ever?”  
“Did I ever what?”  
“Had sex with a woman?”  
“Nope, sir!”  
“Have you had many lovers?”  
“I'll make you a list when we get home.” He chuckles.  
“Thank you, that's not necessary. You could show me what you have learned instead!”  
“How about we find out what we like together? I think it's not so much about what you do, it's about who you do it with."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pure sex

I stare at the bed, the bed I first saw this afternoon when Roger got dressed. Now he lies in it, stark naked, smiling at me.  
He sent me out with the dogs when we had arrived.  
“Give me 30 minutes, will you?” he said. “Don`t ask, that would ruin the moment! Just go, please! Take a torch with you.”  
I managed to stay away for twenty minutes, but obviously that was time enough, for whatever.  
“Come a little closer, Johnny!”  
Oh. I would like to. I would love to, actually, but I can`t move. No, he definitely isn`t a shy 20-year-old boy any more He`s pure matured masculinity at it`s very best. Muscles, sinews, skin. Sex made of flesh and bones. So far, he has made himself small in front of me, he has kneeled before me and of course he is smaller than me when I stand in front of him, but right now I`m aware of his strength.   
“You are stunning. You are…goodness, may I stand here for a while and enjoy that sight?”  
“I think you let my wait long enough, John Taylor! Undress and come to bed!”  
“The 30 minutes are not over yet!”  
He laughs quietly and I hold my breath when he reaches for his cock. For his hard as stone wonderful cock.  
“I'll start without you, then. If I were you, I wouldn't take too much time.”  
Fuck! That`s not the Roger I knew, that`s a hot as hell tease!   
“I`m nervous. I feel like a bloody virgin!” I say quietly.  
“I`m not planning on taking your virginity, John. Some things haven`t changed.”  
“That`s not what I meant. You are so…you are so much stronger than me!”  
“You're not afraid I'm gonna hurt you, are you? Come here, Johnny. Please!”   
I still can`t move. I don`t know why.  
So, Roger gets up and crosses the short distance between us. He takes me in his arms and his lips touch mine ever so gently. Like earlier in the bathroom he starts to undress me slowly. Where his warm hands touch my skin it tingles slightly, like fizzy powder. Soon my whole body will feel as if it's slightly electrified.  
That man is unbelievably sensual. His masculine scent and the strong hands on me together with this gentleness feel incredibly good. He knows exactly what he is doing and for a short moment I feel a burning jealousy for the men he has touched like that. For the men who touched him.  
He kneels before me to unlace my sneakers and I give in to the sudden intense need to stroke his hair. Apparently, he likes that a lot because he leans his head against my leg and lets out a deep sigh. His hot breath sweeps over my balls and I almost jump. Roger laughs quietly and again I feel it straight on my balls. My grip of his hair tightens and I pull his head towards my twitching cock.  
“I`d prefer to do that in bed, Johnny, yeah? Why don`t you wear underpants, by the way?”  
“Because a naughty drummer made me come into them and I had to take them off.”  
“And wherein would you like to come next time?”  
“Uh!”  
“That`s a very vague answer, John Taylor! But it will be my great pleasure to find out.”  
Finally, we lie in bed together, our bodies literally knotted together. I can't get enough of this feeling of hard, firm muscles under my fingers. Everything about him is hard, firm and mostly hairy. We make out very extensively, grind together.God, this contrast between tenderness and hardness makes me lose my mind! His hand finds my cock and he`s wanking me slowly, slowly but firmly.  
“I want to suck you!” I gasp. His confused and simultaneously delighted gaze makes me laugh.  
No wonder he`s surprised. In the five years back then I sucked him off only twice, on our first weekend together, the one and only weekend I was sober.

I admit it feels a bit strange first. I let my tongue glide over the shaft, feeling the pulsing veins. It seems almost like his cock is something living, an organism of its own. Despite the hardness below, the skin is soft as velvet. Clear, sticky drops of desire drip from the small slit on its tip and the harder I try to lick them off, the more comes out. Carefully I take him in my mouth.  
“Fuck, Johnny!”  
I have to force myself not to think of the fact that others have certainly done it much better than me. Even though I notice that he tries to keep absolutely still, tries not to push into my mouth as he knows I`m not used to this, his moaning is telling me that I`m doing not too bad.   
As if he knew I need confirmation, he puts one hand on the back of my head and gently directs me. Without any pressure, it`s just a gentle touch, soft as a butterfly.  
“Ooooh Johnny, that's wonderful, please don't stop!”  
Yes, it is! It is utterly wonderful once I found the nerve to really suck him, with hollow cheeks and smacking noises. Roger can't keep still anymore and I love it! I want to give him pleasure, I want him to be crazy about me, just like he was back then. But this time I`m with him. I`m all with him. My hand wraps around his balls and I squeeze them hard, just like he did. Now I want it all, I want his cum in my mouth, I want to drink him. He's giving off a series of little, pointy screams.  
I remember that, it hasn't changed. He`s close, His balls tighten under my grip and then my mouth is flooded with hot, sticky liquid, salty and sweet at once.  
When I lift my head I find him staring at me with big wet eyes, panting heavily.  
“Come and kiss me! Kiss me, Johnny!”  
We share his taste. Goodness, we share his cum! This is by far the most intimate thing I ever have done! The most intimate thing anyone has ever let me do! Can you taste a person more intensely? I don't think so!   
This kiss feels like sex and reminds me that my cock is begging for attention.  
Roger laughs quietly again as I grind my hardness on his sweaty lower ab. He does that often, I notice, a deep, dirty, amused little chuckle.  
I love this laugh! I love how natural he is with me. How easy he makes it for me.  
“Touch me! Please! I`m about to burst!”  
“Do you want me to return the favour, Johnny? Or would you rather fuck me? Cause it'd be a shameful waste if I sent you away for nothing. Fortunately, nowadays I know how to do it right!”  
*I can`t fuck you, you just came! I won`t use you, not like I did for 5 years! Do what you want, just please do something!”  
“As you wish, John Taylor!”   
With a grin as dirty as this little laugh, he opens the drawer of his nightstand. At the same time strong fingers wrap around my shaft. He holds up a condom pack in front of my face.  
“Would you open that, John? I can`t do it with one hand.”  
“Wha…” I will be silenced with a hard, demanding kiss and I swear I almost come of that alone. I have no clue how the hell he did it, but only seconds later the condom is rolled over my cock even though he never broke the kiss.  
“Roger, what the…”   
“Would you please shut the fuck up?” And then he just sits up astride my cock and pushes it in, letting himself slowly sink down on it.  
In my head at least ten fuses are blowing at the same time.  
Aaaah! It`s hot, so hot!   
Tight, goodness!   
With how many men, how often must he have done this to let me in so easily?  
God, I don`t wanna hurt him!   
No, hell, I do! I want to hurt him!   
Fuck, he likes it! He really wants this, this little slut, this…  
I buck under him like a fucking horse, and that's how he rides me. He conquers me, gently but relentlessly.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is back in LA

“What the hell was that?” I pant while I cling to his heavy, sweaty body on me as for dear life.  
“It`s called sex, Johnny.”   
“You came all over me!”   
“That`s what happens sometimes when you have sex.”  
“Two times in not even 30 minutes? Please stop playing so cool, I`m…fuck, man, I`m absolutely blown away!”  
“I`m glad!” he smiles, kissing me tenderly before he rolls off me to drop the filled condom in a bin beside the bed.  
I know I`m about to ruin the mood, but I have to ask it.  
“So, you…you do that often, don`t you?”  
There`s this laugh again. He snuggles up to me and lets his fingers comb through my hair.  
“I`m single for almost a year. No, John, I don`t do *that* often. It`s been more than nine months, to be exact. And I don`t think that you, of all people, are in the very position to be jealous of the fact that I had a sex life in the past.” He looks at me so lovingly it takes all the harshness I try to see in his words away. He doesn`t mean to be rude or something, it`s just a matter of fact.  
“But..er…it was so easy. To…”  
“To get in? That`s what I sent you away for, Johnny. To be ready for you. Clean, lubed and stretched. I wanted to make it easy for you, luv. I didn't want you to get scared or hold back because you're afraid to hurt me.”  
We`ll smooch and fondle for a while until he falls asleep in my arms. Although I can`t sleep myself, I don`t dare to move before I`m absolutely sure not to wake him when getting up.  
Then I go into the living room, grabbing the phone. With Nigel`s skull in my lap and a tiny hamster cuddles up against my chest I call my best friend in LA, the incredible Gela Nash. She`s looking after Atlanta whenever I need to travel alone.  
“JT! Beanie just left to make homework with a friend, she`ll be back in about an hour!”  
“Gela, luv, get you a coffee and listen! Once upon a time there was a clumsy nerd named Nigel, and Nigel fell in love…”  
She never interrupts my story, even though I`m talking for more than an hour. All I hear is her breathing and some murmured oh`s and ah`s.  
“Did you fall asleep?” I ask when I`m finished with my very vivid description of what just happened in Roger`s bedroom.  
“JT, please don't blame me for asking, but you didn't take any drugs, did you?”  
“No”   
“And you're not joking with me either?”  
“I would never!”  
“Whoa. That`s…whoa. I don`t know what else to say, John!”  
“Are you… I dunno, disgusted or something?”  
“Please, JT! Of course not! It`s just so completely unexpected! Give me some time to let it sink in, will you? So, Roger, yeah? Roger the drummer. If Roger the drummer is what makes you happy, luv, then it`s a good thing! You deserve happiness. Your daughter is just coming in, do you feel like talking to her?”  
I hear a well- known giggle and then Beanie screams into my ear.  
“Daaaad! What are you doing?”  
“Actually I`m sitting here with two very weird dogs called Nigel and Beanie!”  
Her laughter warms my heart.  
“You gotta be kidding me, daddy!”  
I tell her about the two, I tell her about Kayla. And of a very good friend of mine called Roger. My pulse fastens just by mentioning his name to her.  
I'd like to tell her, right now. But, of course, that is not possible. As casually as I can I mention that Kayla has two fathers.  
“That`s called a rainbow family, daddy, did you know? Marla has two moms.”  
“Oh, really? Are there any schoolmates who are mean to her about this?”  
“A few. How late is it in England?”  
I can't go into the subject any further inconspicuously, damn it!   
“Almost 3 in the morning, sweets.”  
“Why don`t you sleep then?”  
“I wanted to talk to my beloved daughter!”  
When I hang up later, I miss her terribly.  
My life will change. Her life will change. Somehow, I know that we`ll move to England. I want to live here, in this little house, with the dogs. Beanie will be upset about leaving her friends. Maybe she doesn`t like to be part of a rainbow family.  
God, would I love to have a whisky! 

In the following week we`re not leaving the house very much, only for long dog walks.  
We talk a lot and I`m freaking out when I find out that Roger has a little studio in the cellar together with a few instruments, including an old Fender bass guitar and, of course, a drumkit.  
The chemicals between us are perfect, if for making music together or for breathtakingly sex.  
One day Roger goes shopping with Carla and I stay home with Kayla, who helps me to deepen my poor cooking skills.   
“You`re not sleeping in the guest room any more, huh?” she asks casually while we`re preparing dinner together, a surprise for Carla and Rog.  
“That`s so none of your business, Kayla Adele!”  
“I`m 12, Nigel John, and I have gay fathers. I have caught them having sex about a hundred times, man! So, if your daughter will come over, take my advice and lock the door. Really! No daughter wants to see her dad doing THIS. Uh. And just in case you ask yourself why I know that you`re no longer sleeping in the guestroom, the lube is clearly to be seen on the nightstand. As I said, lock that door, Nigel John!”  
“So, you find it disgusting, what they do. Your dads.”  
“Naah, that`s not it. I love how they are together, how they behave, you know. I like to see them kissing and hugging and all that and I know what they do in bed, but I don`t feel the slightest need to watch them doing it, ok? I would not want to see sex between a man and a woman either, especially not if they were my parents, if you know what I mean. As you most likely will be called an ass-fucker and cocksucker once you came out to the public, I would highly recommend to talk about such things with Atlanta, though. Which does not mean you should leave the door open! Talking is good, watching is not!”  
“Kayla?”  
“Huh?”   
“Would you rather have straight parents? Is there much bullying at school?”  
She drops the cooking spoon, pushes her glasses up her nose with one finger and flings her arms around my waist.  
“You are really scared to tell her, aren`t you? No, I would not want it any other way, Nigel John. Yes, there is bullying, but there was also bullying about my brace and my glasses and every single pimple that has ever shown in my face. If they want to bully, they find a reason to bully. Haters gonna hate, Nigel John. I`ve earned respect when I once broke a boy`s nose because he called my dad Eddie an ass-fucker. I broke my own two fingers, but it was all worth it. And you know what? That stupid idiot wasn`t even right! The things daughters know when their dads don`t lock the door!”  
Just like that, a 12-year-old eases my fears and makes me laugh.  
I`m back to LA for two weeks now. On my last evening in the UK we celebrated Roger`s 41th birthday with Safar, Eddie and Kayla, Nick, Simon and Andy with their families and we came out as a couple in this round of friends. The first step into my new life.  
I felt so relieved that I needed a minute alone in the kitchen, leaning against the counter breathing deeply.  
“That bad, bass god?” Edward comes into the room with an empty snack bowl to refill it.  
“Not bad at all, just…”  
“Intense, huh?”  
“Yeah, goodness! It`s like speaking it out loud makes it finally real.”  
“I want to apologize, John Taylor. I definitely underestimated you. Forgive me my harsh words.”  
“There`s no need to apologize, Edward. Fuck, I wish I could stay and just let Beanie fly over, but it will take a few weeks, if not months, to sort things out in LA. I`m glad that you three will be there for Rog.”  
“Eddie.”  
For two or three seconds I didn`t get it.  
Then I lay in his arms, crying like a baby.  
“Jeez, bass god! Just because you are gay, you don`t have to be a bloody whiner!”   
I clearly saw him wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, ha!

The thought of Edward…Eddie…makes me smile, and I smile even wider when Beanie bounces out of the school building, framed by two other girls.  
“Daaaddy!” she screams as she spots me and runs straight into my wide- open arms. Since I`m back, I picked her up from school every day, spending as much time as possible with her. Today it`s Friday and she invited two friends for a sleepover. I haven't talked to her about Roger and me yet. I just don't know how to start. We are on the phone every day, Roger and I, and he never asks, as he knows that I`ll tell him.   
How do you explain to your nine-year-old daughter that you fell in love with a man?   
Especially when this daughter has seen many women come and go?  
“Dad, that`s Marla and Sienna!”  
Marla! Marla with the rainbow-family.  
“Hi, girls! I`m John!”

We spend a cosy, nice evening together. I know I`m very blessed that Beanie still wants me around when she has friends over. The girls are really funny and I catch myself staring at Marla several times. She seems like every other kid at this age.  
Of course. Why should she be any different? If only I knew how to tell Beanie!   
Later, we`ll prepare dinner together and Sienna elbows me. “My mom loved your band when she was a teen. She had quite a crush on the singer!”  
“Yeah, my moms were fans, too” Marla chuckles.  
“Your moms are lesbians!” Sienna wonders.  
“Guess what? You can be a lesbian and still think boys are cute, huh?” Marla shrugs.  
Atlanta rolls her eyes. She always feels a bit awkward when someone talks about having a crush on any Duran member, especially on me.   
“I wonder if anyone ever loved dad`s band for the music!”  
“Of course, they loved the music, Beans! You won`t like a band only for the looks. But having a *special someone * in the band is quite normal when you`re a teen girl. Mom one says. Duran Duran was like a box of selected choclates, everyone could choose their favourite because each guy was so different. So, mom one`s fav was your dad and mom two was utterly in love with the drummer.”  
Atlanta giggles “I so love it that you call them mom one and mom two!”  
I only hear *drummer*, though. This is a good opportunity to address the issue inconspicuously.  
“Mom two was surely sad when the drummer left, huh?” I ask.  
“You bet! She locked herself in her room and cried her eyes out!”  
“Then maybe she will be glad to hear that the drummer is doing pretty fine and is a proud part of the rainbow community.”  
“Seriously? Oh, she`ll love to hear that!”  
“Duh! When she had a crush on him, why would she be happy to hear he`s gay?”  
“Because gays and lesbians are a disadvantaged minority and it's always nice when someone you really liked is part of it, Sienna. Besides, it`s not that she wanted to marry him or something, she just thought he`s really cute.”  
Mom two has an excellent taste, that`s for sure.  
“You didn`t tell me he`s gay.” Atlanta wonders.  
“Oh, didn`t I? I thought I did when I told you about Kayla, sorry!”   
“Dad just visited him, you know? And there he met Kayla, Kayla has two dads.”  
With that, the girls are done with this topic and discuss the very important question which boy on their school' basketball team is the sweetest


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John, Atlanta and Roger are going on a vacation

It`s almost 2 at night when the girls finally go into Beanie`s room, late enough to make a phone call to the UK.  
“I don`t know how to tell her!” I blurt as soon as the call is answered.  
“A very good morning to you, too, Nigel!” Nick laughs.  
“Very early morning here, mate. Beanie has friends over, we saw Disney stuff for the last 5 hours or so. I still didn`t talk to her about Rog and me. I can`t find the right words.”  
“Shouldn`t you rather talk to Rog about that?”  
“I don`t want him to think I`m too scared. Well, I`m actually fucking scared, but that`s not the point. It`s really that I don`t know how to start. I mean, she doesn`t even know him. For her, he isn`t even real, you know?”  
“Then maybe you should change that, little brother. Don`t you have summer vacation in LA by the end of May? How about having a vacation together, you two and Rog? Then they can spend time together, have the chance to get to know each other first!”  
Why didn't I think of that? This is a brilliant idea!  
“I love you, Nick Rhodes! You are a fucking genius. Sorry, I have to call Roger!”. 

Today`s the day. I couldn`t sleep this night, the first night in the little house on the beach at Mahe Island, the main island of the Seychelles. Beanie freaked out with happiness when I told her we`d go there and she went for a swim already, in complete snorkelling gear.  
Roger must arrive at any minute. He refused my offer to pick him up from the airport.  
“I can take a taxi, Johnny. Atlanta won`t be amused if she had to sit in a car for hours, and she`ll hate me before she even had the chance to know me.”  
“She would never hate you!”  
“No stress, luv! I`ll take a taxi. Period!” he laughed and I felt that he was as excited as I was, maybe a bit scared, too.  
Nervously I glance at the watch for about the millionth time in the last 20 minutes when I hear the sound of a car stopping in the driveway.  
“Roger`s here, sweets. I gonna go help him with the luggage, ok?” I shout. Much to my surprise she gets out of the water to follow me. I had hoped for a few minutes alone with him, after all it`s almost a month since I last saw him. And I was hoping for at least an intense hug and perhaps a little kiss. On the other hand, I guess that it`s a good thing my daughter seems very excited to meet Roger.  
Goodness! She`ll meet him! For the first time. What if they don`t like each other, what if…  
Something hairy jumps against my chest and I almost fall over.  
I had no clue he brings Nigel with him!

Beanie squeaks with joy and we cuddle the dog until someone clears his throat.  
“Sorry to interrupt this, but may I remind you that he`s not the only one who`s arrived? “  
Oh. Oh my god! I almost start drooling at his sight, goodness! I think for about three seconds just to shake his hand before I take him into a bear hug which hopefully looks not too intimate. His breath sweeps over my bare shoulder as I only wear shorts. This little sensation together with his scent in my nose and his arms around me gives me a hard-on, no joke. Maybe it wasn`t such a smart idea to go on this vacation with Beanie. How will I survive separate bedrooms? Yet alone to let him go now is unbelievingly hard.  
“Been a while since we`ve been on a tropical island together, huh?” he winks before he turns to Beanie.  
“Fu…dang! You look so much like your dad, lady!”  
She blushes slightly when shaking his hand. My throat tightens at this sight.  
“I heard you love snorkelling! Any interesting things you saw yet?”  
“Ooooh, it`s simply awesome! Thousands of fishes. I never saw that many colourful fishes at once! You like swimming, too, huh? Didn`t they call you Froggy?”  
“I`d be grateful if we could leave it to Roger or Rog, ok?” he grins.  
“Yeah, better. You don`t look like a frog at all!” she chuckles and blushes just a wee bit more. “I`m Beanie, or Beans, if you like!”  
“Cool! So, Beanie, can you show me where to bring my stuff?”  
“Sure!” she smiles, taking his hand and dragging him into the house.  
Well, looks like I have to carry his stuff in.  
“They like each other, Nigel, don`t they?” I grin at the weird animal and he barks in agreement.

Roger takes a shower after the long flight and I wish I could join him. Instead Atlanta and I make a giant fruit platter ready to have a little snack on the terrace.  
“You know” Beanie whispers. “Mom two is right, I guess.”  
“With what? “  
“He`s cute.”  
I can hardly supress a laughter.  
“He`s too old for you, sweets. And keep in mind he`s gay!”  
“Daaaaad!” she pushes her elbow in my side. “It`s so cool he brought Nigel! You said he`s weird, but that`s not true! Oh, hi, Rog! Are you ok with fruits or do you want a proper meal?”  
“Fruits are perfect! I thought about taking you two out for dinner tonight if you want. I passed a restaurant on my way that looked pretty good.”

I really wonder that his ears don`t bleed after an hour and her enthusiasm of telling him about her life in LA leaves a bitter taste on my tongue. Not only will we have to tell her about us, but also about the plan to leave the US.  
I try hard to enjoy the moment, enjoy the fact that the two get along so well. One thing at a time, huh?  
It turns out that Nigel seems to be a little bit schizophrenic as he obviously thinks he`s a seal, so he and Beans play around in the waves while Rog and I finally clear up the table.  
As soon as we put the dishes on the counter, he has me in his arms and his mouth greedily takes possession of mine.  
“Sitting hours long beside John Taylor in nothing but swimming trunks is torture!” he gasps when we part to get some air.  
“Your daughter is a stunner, Johnny! She looks like you, she talks like you, she even uses the same gestures!”  
“She even thinks you`re cute, just like her dad does! I`m so sorry that I couldn`t tell her about us yet. I…”  
“Ssssh, luv, it`s ok! We`ll do it together. As a team. We`re a pretty good team, aren`t we?”  
At night Roger sneaks into my room and when I want to protest, he silences me with a hard, demanding kiss.  
“Just be quiet, Johnny. I`m gonna die without your touch. Without your taste! So, be quiet, ok? It won`t take long!”  
And then he`s jerking me off, fast and hard, looking at me all the time with this dirty little grin. The moment I come he swallows my cock almost to the balls and I pump my load deep into his throat, biting the pillow not to scream.

“Ah, better!” he smirks and licks his lips with relish.” Sleep well, John Taylor! Tomorrow night it`s your turn!” With that, he just vanishes and leaves me there, still panting heavily.  
For the first time in weeks I sleep without any problems and I would surely have slept even longer if it hadn't been for Nigel's barking and loud laughter that woke me up.  
The sight as I look out of the window almost makes me cry.  
Beanie and Roger play Frisbee on the beach and Nigel runs back and forth between them like a wild dervish.  
She still doesn't know and I still have no idea how the hell we're supposed to tell her, but seeing them like this just makes me happy.  
When I come out on the terrace there`s some breakfast waiting for me and it it`s Nigel who notices my presence first. He`s coming to greet me, barking and tail-wagging.  
“Good morning, Nigel, my friend!” I grin, patting his head.  
“Morning, huh?” Roger, who has followed the dog, laughs. “It`s almost 2, you sleepyhead!”  
I quickly turn to the beach to see that Beanie is still busy with the frisbee before I plant a quick kiss on his forehead.  
“I had a very nice dream of a certain drummer who sneaked into my room!” I grin.  
“Johnny, I don't want to put pressure on you or anything, and I know I have no right to tell you what to do. After all, I have no children and no idea how you must feel. But if we don't tell her soon, I'll go crazy, seriously.”  
“Yeah. Same!” I sigh. “I tried to remember if we ever even talked about homosexuality in general and I don`t think we did. One of her best friends has lesbian mums and she doesn`t seem to have a problem with that. She knows a few men out of the music scene and Gela`s fashion business but, shame on me, I haven`t the slightest clue how she thinks about it. Well, she knows that you are gay and she likes you a lot.”  
“I wonder if she`d still like me if she knew…oh, hi, Beans! “  
“Who would still like you if she knew what? Good morning daddy! I will never ever go home again! Can we stay here forever? So, what were you talking about?”  
“About a friend I like very much and I was wondering if she would have a problem with me being gay.” Roger says hastily.  
“If she has a problem with that, she's either an idiot or in love with you.” Atlanta shrugs.  
“I think we can rule out both.” He chuckles and squeezes my shoulder shortly. “You want some coffee, Johnny?”  
“Gladly, thank you!”  
“I really like him!” Beanie says as he has gone in to get the coffee.  
“I'm very fond of him, too, really fond of him.” Now! Here`s the chance! “Beans, I know him for a very long time and when we were younger, we…Ack! Nigel, you silly dog!”  
Ah, fuck! At this very moment, this creature has to shake the water out of its fur! Excellent timing!

We spend a wonderful day together, going snorkelling, taking a long walk along the beach, preparing dinner together…all kind of normal stuff you do when on vacation. Roger and I have to touch each other all the time, in a way we think of as inconspicuous.  
In that night it`s me sneaking into Roger`s room, returning the favour, but he's not satisfied with it.  
Once again, I find out how much he likes to be fucked, even when he just came minutes before.  
Panting, we lie next to each other, fingers intertwined, my head resting on his chest.  
Goodness, I have a déjà vu! A hairy monster sits on my chest, licking my face.  
That I can`t breathe all of a sudden has another reason, though. Two reasons, actually. I realize two things. Roger is lying beside me and Atlanta stands in the doorframe. Fuck! Oooh fuck!  
We fell asleep! In Roger's room. Naked and snuggled together, which is very visible as we pushed the blanket away because of the heat.  
“Good morning, Beans.” I say as normal as possible, even though I feel like having a rag in my mouth. Trying to cover us wouldn`t make any sense.  
“Good morning, daddy! Er…I made coffee, want some?”  
“Lovely, sweets, thank you!” Goodness, this is so awkward.  
Roger digs his nose into my armpit, mumbling “Throw this stupid dog out, luv!”  
“Nigel isn`t stupid!” Atlanta blurts and Roger`s head comes up as if stung by an adder. “Beans! What...? Oh. Oh, I...” Almost panicking, he looks back and forth between Bean and me, trying to fish for the blanket with one hand.  
“Breakfast is ready at the terrace. Come, Nigel” With that, my daughter and the dog are leaving the room.  
“Oh God, Johnny, I`m sorry, I fell asleep!”  
“Yeah, me too, obviously!” I sigh.  
“What now?” He sits up, looking around for his shorts and shirt.  
“Now we finally have to talk, I guess!”  
“Should I leave you two alone?”  
“No. Unless you want that, but I would feel better with you around.”  
“Good. Everything will be all right, Johnny!” he pulls me close for a short but heartily kiss.  
Only minutes later we walk out on the terrace. Hand in hand.  
“So that's how it is! How long has it been?” She sounds terribly grown-up and her reproachful look really reminds me of my mother.  
“Forever, actually…we were 20 when it started, but I was not ready…”  
“It was too much for both of us, Atlanta. So, we ended up going separate ways.” Roger interrupts. He won't let me take all the blame.  
“Then Nick and Charlie had this idea of a reunion and Roger and I had to talk about that. We noticed that it's still there, that we're still attracted to each other. We are in love, Beanie, that's how it is.” I continue.  
She nods silently and looks at us for a long time. I get scared when she gets up and reaches for Nigels collar.  
"I have to think. Come with me, Nigel"  
"Beans..." I plead.  
"Leave her alone, Johnny!” Roger says quietly and we watch the two going down to the waterline and strolling along the beach.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serious talkings about Atlantas new findings.

When she's still not back after over an hour, I'm starting to worry.  
"Do you think she ran away?”  
“Nonsense. Her father just told her that he was gay. She has to cope with that first. Nigel is with her, he takes care of her, ok?” Roger pulls me into his arms and I snuggle up to him, finding comfort in his touch.  
“Did she have to catch us in bed, of all places? Why did I fall asleep, damn it! “  
“My fault, I didn't want to let you go. But maybe that wasn't so bad. It's not like she caught us having sex, Johnny.”  
“It wasn`t that bad? Seriously?” He`s crazy! How can he say that? But then, he doesn`t know what it`s like to be a dad, huh?  
“Well, at least now she knows, right?” he shrugs.  
“Yeah, fab!” I sigh. “What a great way to let her know, being naked in one bed!”  
“Oh, come on, we're not so terrible to look at that she's been traumatized all her life now, are we? She's probably seen you naked before, and I bet she saw you with another naked person in bed more than once.”  
“That`s right, still…”  
“John! You didn't expect that she would fall into your arms cheering and joyfully announcing to you that she had always wanted a gay father, did you? She is a great girl, Johnny. She loves you more than anything. Just give her a little time.”  
When she finally appears a little later, her face puffy and red from crying, it almost breaks my heart.  
“I need to make a long- distance call. I need to call Marla, ok? And woe betide you for complaining about the costs!"  
We don't see her for the next two hours and it takes me an infinite amount of effort not to check at what she's doing.  
I'm crying in Roger's arms convinced that my daughter hates me when her tiny hand touches my shoulder.  
“Would you leave us alone, Roger?” she says and again she sounds like an adult.  
“Sure. I'll get us some food.”  
Atlanta waits until the car has left, then she looks at me seriously.  
"Why are you crying?"  
"I'm afraid that you don't love me anymore.”  
“Honestly, dad, sometimes you are really stupid!”  
“Yes, that's true. I am even very often quite stupid. I wanted to tell you, Atlanta, but I didn't know how. I fought against it for so long, but I can't fight this feeling anymore.”  
She crawls in my lap, flinging her arms around my neck.  
“Promise me it won't be like it was with your girlfriends. That you're not coming up every couple of weeks with a new guy now. I think I like him, you know? The idea that you're lovers is weird, but I guess I can get used to it. I think you've fought so hard in your life, it's really enough now. I want you to be happy.”  
“When did you get so grown up?” I wonder as it really feels like she`s the adult here.  
“I had to! My father used to be a drug addict and brought a different woman with him every week. My mother wasn't much better either. Don't think I haven't noticed! So, promise me that it will be different this time!”  
It hurts when your daughter tells you the truth so relentlessly. This child has experienced far worse than finding her father in bed with a naked man.  
And I promise her from the bottom of my heart that Roger is not just another phase in the search for myself.  
Roger brings everything we`d need for a self-made pizza and we`re in the kitchen together, preparing it, when Beanie asks: “Have you had many boyfriends, Roger?”  
“Atlanta Noo!” I blurt but even I realize it doesn't sound too strict. After all, that's something I'd like to know too.  
“My goodness, I must actually make you a list, don't I? All right. When I was 16, I was terribly in love with a schoolmate, but he liked girls better. Then I fell in love with a nice guy who was in a band with me, but that didn't go too well either.”

Atlanta, who knows who he is talking about, giggles quietly.  
“I'm not particularly proud of the following time and I won't tell nine-year-old girls and cruelly jealous bassists any details about it. Let's just say I wanted to have fun, but not a relationship. But that was not very fulfilling in the long run. I actually only wanted to forget this one guy, which I stupidly failed to do.”  
Maybe it's not very intelligent, but I just have to hug him, even if only for a short time.  
“Then I decided to make music again. Unfortunately, there was another really sweet bass player in this band. I don't know, I like bassists somehow, but after about 2 years he found out that he is more into blond and blue-eyed. The singer, no joke! The next, I left right before we moved in together. Let me call it irreconcilable differences. Did you count?”  
“Three!” Beans and I shout unison and we all laugh at that.  
“Well, then I thought to have finally found the one. The one to grow old and grey with. I even bought rings. Didn't work out, as you can imagine. I rather got myself a dog and called him Nigel. Like that dude with whom I was in the same band, huh? And as if it were fate or something, only a few months after I got Nigel from the shelter, the other Nigel showed up again. Funny, isn`t it?”  
“Do you believe in fate?” Beanie wants to know.  
“That's a very philosophical question, Atlanta Noo Taylor. I believe that there are people who are made for each other. I believe that there is true love and that sooner or later it overcomes all obstacles.”  
Goodness, I`m such a whiner lately! His words almost make me cry again.  
Beans seems to be impressed by his honesty and is encouraged to ask further questions.  
“What happened with the guy you bought rings for?”  
“He found someone he liked better.”  
Well, that`s a very diplomatic saying for *he fucked another guy during a musical break, at a musical I gave him tickets for even though I hate musicals*  
“So, he cheated on you?”  
“Oh yes, he did!”  
“Idiot!”  
“You can say so, Atlanta Noo!”  
The two are smiling at each other and that sight warms my heart.  
As if we had agreed on it, Roger and I renounce further touches, no matter how inconspicuous they may be.  
Now she knows, now she will watch and notice every little gesture of affection.  
I remember what Kayla said, about the fact that people will make stupid jokes. I remember that she broke two fingers while fighting a boy who called her dad an ass fucker. Even though Roger seems to like her very much and this seems to be based on reciprocity, we are facing difficult times. Can I put her through that? Does she know what to expect?  
“So, you talked to Marla, yeah?” I ask when we sit at the terrace, eating the pizza we made.  
“Shortly. I actually had a long talk with Sheryl.”  
“Who`s that?”  
“Mom two. Their story is a lot like yours. They know each other since school, they were best friends. Sheryl was in love with Alexandra since she`s 15, but she never dared to let it show. When Alex got married, Sheryl was her bridesmaid. When Marla was born, she became her godmother. I mean, isn`t that tragic? All the time she wished for something she thought she would never have.”  
“And how did they finally get together?” Roger wants to know.  
“At some point it was too much for Sheryl and she moved from LA back to Ireland, where she has family. She didn`t tell anyone she`s leaving the country but once she was in Ireland, she wrote a letter to Alexandra, explaining everything. She wrote how much she loves her and that she will never find peace if she`s near to her and that`s why she had to leave. For over a year she got no answer, what she kinda had expected, but one day Alex just showed up in front of her door with three- year -old Marla”  
Thinking of Kayla and her fondness for fairy tales I say smilingly “And they lived happily ever after.”  
“I think they're very happy, all three of them. But it's not always easy. At best they are smiled at, at worst insulted. Sheryl says they are really disgusted by men who say things like, baby, you just need a real man. Marla always pretends to be above such sayings, but I know it hurts her a lot sometimes. Sheryl also says that it's probably worse with two men because other men are somehow disgusted by it.”  
I don't know what to say about that. After all, she's right, isn't she? The bad conscience gnaws into my guts. I'm putting my daughter in a very uncomfortable situation, a situation she can't help.  
“Atlanta, I'm not gonna lie to you, okay? Sheryl is no doubt right. I've known all this for many years, and sometimes it hurts. But it has already got much better, believe me. There will be people who insult you, who insult your father. I cannot gloss over that. But there are many more people who will stand by you and help you, perhaps even those you would not have expected.” Roger says softly. His hand hangs hesitantly in the air, as if he would like to put it on Beanie's arm, but does not dare.  
“Have you been attacked often?” Beans asks.  
“Depends on what you call often. Verbal attacks happen quite often when you live openly gay. Not every day, but several times a week. Mostly they are only derogatory remarks in passing. A few times I have also got into a fight. Basically, these homophobic idiots are rather cowardly. If they appear in a pack, they can become dangerous.One gets a hunch for this and avoids it in the best possible way. I think your father will have it easier than other people, by the way. With musicians and other artists, you usually don't make a drama out of it. In this environment gays are more accepted than elsewhere. Which, of course, doesn't mean no one's gonna insult you, Atlanta. But I promise you that you will never be alone with that, ok? Look, I understand that it is a shock for you and I am sorry that you have to go through this. But I do love your father and it makes me infinitely happy that it is obviously mutual. I am there for you when there are things you don't want to discuss with John. We can talk about anything if you want. Do you think the two of us will get along, Beanie?”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New experiences

Finally, his hand lands carefully on Beanie`s forearm and I swallow hard when she covers it with her own tiny hand. This contrast, her narrow little arm, his strong hand and on top her dainty child's hand, touches me infinitely.  
“I will ask you a lot, you know!” she winks “And I like you.”  
“I like you too, Atlanta.”  
“Daddy is crying again.”  
“Oh well, Beans, he`s a fairy faggot now, huh?”

We don't want to overdo our luck, so Roger and I sleep in separate bedrooms that night. Without visits.  
Surprisingly, I sleep like a log again and am woken up by barking.   
This time I join the Frisbee round on the beach, which ends with us all rolling in the sand, including the dog.  
At breakfast we hold hands under the table. When Atlanta asks us if we were really in love, I think at first, she would have noticed, but Roger doesn`t let my hand go.  
“You don`t act like being in love, you know. If you hadn't been in bed together, I wouldn't have figured it out. I mean, you don't look at each other in love or anything, or snog. I don't think I've ever seen men smooch! Is it different when you're gay? Don't men like that? Isn't it like with men and women...I don't know...that you are tender with each other? Is it more about...uh...sex?"  
Roger almost chokes on his bread bite, so hard he has to laugh.  
I feel less like laughing, though. My nine-year-old daughter doesn't really want to talk about sex with us now, does she?  
“Just make sure you don't choke, Roger Andrew! Beautiful that this amuses you so much!” I snap  
“Oh, come on, Johnny! It`s funny to no end! Here we sit, secretly holding hands under the table to not overwhelm poor Beans and she thinks it`s all about sex! Nope, Atlanta Noo Taylor, it is not! The only reason we don't kiss and cuddle here is because your father thinks you find it terrible!”  
“How the hell should I know? I've never seen it before!” Beanie giggles.  
“You saw us naked in bed, I thought that'd do it for now.” I defend myself, but I still have to smile. “I've seen you naked in bed with others before, daddy! Unfortunately, you haven't always slept, so you probably didn't notice me!”   
“Ha!” Roger blurts triumphantly.   
“Don't get smart with me, sweetheart!” I elbow him. He elbows back and within seconds we are in a silly fight. It doesn't end with a kiss, I'm not ready to kiss Roger in front of my daughter yet, but I've put my arm around him and our intertwined fingers are now visibly on the tabletop.  
“How about chartering a boat today and go on a snorkelling tour?” Rog suggests and I`m ever so glad that Atlanta obviously feels no need to deepen the topic of *sex*.  
“Only if Nigel can come with us!”

“But of course Nigel can come with us. You saw how much he likes water.”

In the car on the way to the harbour, Roger's hand rests quite naturally on my thigh. This is very confusing, because it lies on naked skin.  
Roger had actually planned to rent a boat only for the three of us, as he has a captain's license, but unfortunately that is not possible. However, we find a skipper who agrees to take the dog with us on a boat with not too many other people. It is an older couple with a grandson at Beanie's age and a young woman.

I am quite excited, I admit. The first time we are as a couple among strangers, and I hope that Beanie will not have negative experiences right away.  
They would have to be blind or completely dull, not to notice that we are not just buddies, because since the conversation with Atlanta, my lover no longer seems to think it necessary to hide his feelings for me. Not that we'd make out or anything, but he enjoys it endlessly, adoring me deeply and holding hands. That makes me fucking nervous in the beginning, but I love how he looks at me and how Beans is grinning at that. We have barely set off, the boy comes to us, stands in front of us with his arms crossed and asks loudly “Are you gay or what?” Beans next to me visibly goes into fighting position. Shit, I think, but before I can even open my mouth Roger says with a wink  
“Sure, man! Would we hold hands otherwise?”  
“Probably not!” the boy grins. “Hi, I'm Sean. Do you think there are sharks out there? My grandpa says there are no sharks here, but I think he just wants to calm me down, because I am totally afraid of sharks!”  
Beanie and I breathe a sigh of relief simultaneously. All-clear. No stupid saying, just curiosity.  
“Hi, Sean! I'm Beans. This is my dad John and his boyfriend Roger. I think there are only very small sharks here, because the water around the Seychelles is really shallow. You don't have to be afraid of them."  
Only minutes later we all sit around the table on deck and my heart is still beating way faster than usual because I`m so touched about the self-evidence with which Beanie introduced Roger as my boyfriend.  
Sean`s grandparents are Cathy and Angus, the young woman`s name is Petra, she`s from Austria, but her English is quite good. Besides Skipper Roy, there's a young man named Samuel aboard. He seems to be the only one who isn`t very enthusiastic about a gay couple, according to the looks he throws us.   
I simply ignore his snide glances and he doesn`t dare to make some sayings or such, so our first real day out in the world as lovers turns out to be one of the best days ever.   
We spend hours in the water chasing fish, have a delicious lunch on board and stop by a lonely beach where Roy hands me a guitar, winking. He obviously knows who we are and I`m extremely grateful that he`s not saying a word about it.  
We have a lot of fun at this beach and even Samuel joins in when we sing whatever comes in mind.  
It`s already dark when we come back to the harbour and a day on the sea makes one pretty tired. I can hardly stifle a yawn while driving us home.  
“Can Nigel sleep in my room?” Beanie begs when she comes out of the bathroom in her Pyjamas.  
“He'll never want to get out of your bed again if you let him sleep there, think twice about it." Roger smiles.  
"I did. I can live with that!”  
“Great. Then the other Nigel can sleep with me.”  
“He probably doesn't want to get out of your bed any more either.” She chuckles.  
“I can live with that.”

The two of them grin at each other broadly.  
To be honest, I think Roger is too fast. I don't like the way he handles it. I won't discuss that with him in front of my daughter, though.  
“Good night, daddy!” she plants a smacking kiss on my cheek for which I have to lift her up Then, still in my arms, she bends over to Rog, kissing him too.  
“Good night, daddy`s boyfriend.”  
“Oh. Sleep well, my favourite female Taylor!”  
“I'll tell on your mom!” she chuckles.  
“Mothers count extra. I think she will like you very much!”  
Although I'm already moved to death again, I snap at Roger as soon as the bedroom door slams shut behind us.

“Did that have to be? “   
“What do you mean?”  
“Let's take it slow, Beanie hasn't really understood the impact that all this will have on her! She's only nine, Roger! And she'll think we're having sex now.”  
“Unfortunately, she's thinking wrong, because I'm way too tired for that. I just want to snuggle up to you and sleep, ok? “he smiles, taking a step towards me.   
“She'll still think we have sex.” I step back.  
“So what? Come on, Johnny, that`s ridiculous! I just want to fall asleep next to you. We can leave the clothes on if your daughter comes in tomorrow morning. I don't want to argue with you, Johnny, ok? I am really tired and I just sleep better when you are lying next to me.”  
We don`t leave the clothes on and we don`t sleep. How the hell am I supposed to sleep with his ass pressed against my groin, huh?   
“You're not being very consistent, John.” He purrs as I nibble at his neck while my hand wanders southwards.   
“Certain parts of your body don't seem as tired as you claim, you little liar.” Gently, I squeeze the imposing bump in his underpants.  
“My head is tired, seriously! That just doesn't seem to have gotten down there yet. And if you keep that up, I guarantee for nothing, John Taylor!”  
“I didn't mean to snap at you like that, sorry. And I like it when you don't guarantee anything, but you have to be really quiet.”

“Yes, sir. What are you doing? Don't stop!”

“The wise Kayla Thornton-Rashid advised me to always lock the door, she would have liked to do without the sight of fucking fathers.”

He giggles quietly.  
“Oh yes! Do you want to guess who she talked to about it? With Uncle Roger.”  
“Can we talk about it another time? Daughters in the bedroom aren't a very inspiring thought right now.”  
“You have started!”  
“Yes, I also started with something else that I'd much rather finish!” After neatly locking the door I climb astride Roger. “We have a little problem, luv!”  
“Absolutely! You're crushing my dick right now.”  
“Oh, that would be a terrible loss!” I'm going a little up with a grin.   
“Better that way? But that's not what I meant. We are in my room. The lubricant is in yours!”

“Badly prepared, Johnny!” he chuckles and pulls me into a kiss.  
Fuck, how much I love to kiss this man! His mouth is so wonderfully soft and it is delightful to explore his inside with my tongue, his tongue fluttering against mine, the sharp edge of his teeth and the moist warmth of his palate.  
“If you were so devoted to doing the same thing with another orifice, we wouldn't need lubricant.”  
he whispers into my ear as we separate from each other to breathe.  
“You mean...”  
“I kindly ask you to lick my butthole so that you can lube it with your spit. I`ll take care of your cock.”  
I know it's silly, after all, my cock was quite often in this small, narrow opening but the idea of putting my tongue up his ass is kind of strange. Not that it would disgust me or anything, but it is...well, odd.  
He sees my hesitation and smiles lovingly at me instead of being offended.  
“Sorry about that. I sometimes forget that all this is quite new territory for you. It`s called rimming and it feels incredibly good. Let me show you!”  
Apparently, I was wrong and we didn't try everything together that is possible back then.  
“You'd have to get off me for that, Johnny!” he says gently.  
A little later I lie naked with a pillow under my arse on my back. A just as naked Roger laughs softly.  
"You're not really making a happy face, Johnny! Relax, it doesn't hurt!”  
“I`m nervous!”  
“Don`t be! It`s really nice, promised!”  
Before he devotes himself to the actual goal, he takes care of my cock, which is not quite so hard anymore because of that nervousness.   
He doesn't take it in his mouth, but strokes it with a broad tongue, penetrates the small slit with the tip of his tongue, plays with the frenulum, all without using his hands. These lie firmly around my balls, which he gently rolls in his palms Then his hands wander deeper, pulling my buttocks slightly apart.  
I flinch as he licks the cramped entrance for the first time.  
This is a completely new feeling and I don't know how to put it.  
“It's all right, my love. Just let it go.”

His hot breath caresses this sensitive spot tenderly, then he licks it again, not without a certain pressure.   
It is as if he slowly and patiently softens me. and once I have got used to it, I have to bite my forearm in order not to groan loudly.  
Fast flicks of the tongue alternate with powerful strokes. When the tip of his tongue penetrates me, I almost scream with pleasure.   
Never in my life would I have thought that it felt so good! 

“May I put my fingers inside you, darling? I will be very careful!”  
“Oh, please! Yes! “  
Skilfully his fingers find my prostate and he looks at me smiling while those fingers are pushing me into a breath-taking orgasm.  
“You are so utterly beautiful, John Taylor! Come for me! Come!”  
“God! Oooooh God!” I forget about being quiet, I forget about everything. I simply explode. Like through fog I see Roger raising between my legs and wanking his cock violently. He's also not that quiet when his cum joins mine on the sweaty skin of my belly.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Friends and many guests

Time flies and it seems to be just a blink of an eye until Atlanta and I are on a plane back to LA.   
It`s not that bad since Roger will visit us in two weeks.  
I`m incredibly excited, because I will have a lot of things to do before he arrives.   
It`s about time to let the world know that John Taylor can`t be called a womanizer any more.  
The first thing I do when we are back home is to call Nick, who I wake up yet again. Times zones suck big time.  
“You sure about that, yeh?” Goodness, I love it so much when his thick Brummie-accent shows!   
“Absolutely! Roger and I had a talk with Beanie about it and we all agreed. I will mail you a picture and I want you to write something about it because you are my brother, Nicholas. Don`t put it online before next Monday, though. I will have my friends over at Saturday to tell them personally and hopefully I will meet my fav reporter at Tuesday, but apart from my friends, I want the fans to be the first to know.”

I'm not sleeping very well that night. First of all, I miss Roger and secondly, I think about how Beanie is going to feel once everyone knows. I hope people won't be too cruel. In the middle of the night there is a knock at my door and a weeping Atlanta stands in front of me.   
"I can't sleep! I miss Nigel. And with whom should I play Frisbee here? Roger is the only person in the world who can do it properly.”  
We both cry a little and Atlanta spends the night in my bed, something she hasn't done since she was five.

We just come back from the grocery store the next day to find a woman standing in our drive way. I have never seen her before, but Beans obviously knows her as she jumps out of the car to greet the guest with a heartily hug.  
God knows, I have seen a lot of beautiful women in my life, but this one is of almost unreal beauty.  
White blond, breathtaking figure and a ravishing smile.   
"Excuse me, Mr. Taylor, I hope I'm not disturbing you. My name is Sheryl. I had a very long phone call with Beans the other day and I wanted to see what was going on.”  
“Mum two!” I laugh, shaking her hand. “You`re not disturbing at all, come in!”  
We haven't reached the kitchen yet, so Beanie has already told her about half the vacation.  
Apparently, they like each other very much.   
“Please call me John. Sit down. Coffee or tea?”  
“Coffee please. I really don't bother you, no?”  
“Not at all! Thanks for talking to Beans. I was a little overwhelmed that day.”  
“Oh, I can imagine that! Atlanta, sweetie, would you leave me alone with your dad for a few minutes? You know, adult stuff.”  
Beans rolls her eyes but leaves the room in an instant.  
“Please don't consider me bold or pushy, we don't know each other after all, but maybe you can imagine how unreal it seemed to me when your daughter called me. I thought you might need someone to talk to. Someone who's been through all this. An excellent excuse to finally sit in John Taylor's kitchen, isn't it?” she grins.   
“There's a rumour that you prefer another Taylor.” 

“That's not a rumour. But I won't ask you anything about him, even if it's damn hard for me. I'm really here because I thought maybe I could help you. Do you think that is silly?”  
“Not at all. I appreciate this, Sheryl. Especially because you are a mom. My biggest fear is that Atlanta will suffer.”   
“Oh, she will! She'll hear a bunch of bad gay jokes, sick sick people might even send her pornos. She'll sometimes cry herself to sleep at night and she won't tell you because she doesn't want to hurt you. But she will survive.” 

Her merciless honesty shocks me a little, but it is better than scattering pink glitter over facts. I tell her about the plan we made, about the next steps. That Nick will post it on the official Duran-website, that I will meet a reporter, that my friends will come over, and with every word it feels more right. With every passing minute I wish more for Roger to be here with me, to share this with me.  
Sheryl listens attentively. In between she smiles or nods approvingly. When I finished, she grins all over.  
“You know, I was afraid that maybe you weren't quite sure about your sexual orientation. After all, it never seemed like you were into men, to say the least.”  
“I`m not into men. I`m into Roger.” I shrug, what makes her laugh.  
“Funny thing. That`s what I said when I was 15!” she giggles.  
“No chance!” it comes from the doorway. Atlanta obviously thinks she gave us enough time alone. “He never had sex with a woman.”  
“And how do you know that, Atlanta Noo?” I wonder.  
“I asked. He said I can ask him everything, huh?”

I`m infinitively glad that Sheryl came over and she stayed with us until dinner that day.   
It`s kinda odd, isn`t it? Even though I know a lot of gay people, men and women, none of them can be called a close friend. Perhaps it was subconsciously part of my self-denial not to let a homosexual person get too close to me. 

Since it really helps to be surrounded by people who know how you feel, I spontaneously invited Sheryl and Alexandra to my very own little coming-out party.  
The two had helped me with the buffet and all and now we`re waiting for the guests to show up. The first one is Larry, the drummer. He actually knows it for a long time yet, but since he`s been such a loyal friend over the years I thought he might be with me on this very important day.   
He looks a bit puzzled when he follows me into the garden, where Sheryl, Alex, Marla and Beans have fun in the pool.  
“Are you living polygamously or what? Two pretty women at once!”  
“We wouldn't have much fun together, they are lesbian. And I decided to finally admit to myself that I am gay.”  
“This doesn't have anything to do with your recent trip to your old homeland and the very spontaneous holidays in the Indian Ocean?” he winks.  
“Everything has to do with this, Larry. Everything.” I smile and feel a flutter in my stomach just by the thought of Roger.

“This isn't about a professional colleague of mine, by any chance?”

“Yes, it is. This is supposed to be a coming-out-party, you know.” I`m telling him about the plan and he hugs me tightly.  
“I may not be the one drummer you`d like to be hugged of, but let me tell you that I feel happy for you, mate!”  
Unfortunately, not all of my so-called friends are so pleased with the news.  
Two of them think I'm taking a stupid joke and one of them leaves my property, visibly disgusted.   
So much for close friends.   
But I don't get the chance to be too shocked by this behaviour, because suddenly something big, hairy comes running barking into the garden.   
"Niiigel! yells Beans delighted and my heart stops.   
The dog certainly didn't get on the plane alone, right? He wanted to come much later!   
But there he is, standing in the terrace door, grinning uncertainly, not knowing how to behave in front of my friends. His appearance here seems so unreal to me that I can only stare at him stunned and my daughter does what I should be doing, namely throwing herself into his arms.

"Rog! I thought you weren't coming for 10 days! "

"I... I thought..." he stutters and looks at me sadly.

I realize that he thinks I'm not happy to see him, that I'm too cowardly to say it, too cowardly to embrace him in front of all my friends. 

Is there a better way to prove to everyone that I really mean it, that I didn't make a stupid joke?   
Finally, my legs move and I slowly walk towards him. Everyone is very quiet, you could hear a needle falling. Atlanta makes room for me giggling and I reach out my hand to him, stroke a stubby cheek and a beautiful smile spreads across his face. Then we kiss. In front of Beans, in front of all my friends.  
Someone starts applauding. I guess it's either Sheryl or Larry, then everybody joins in.  
My friends, my real friends!   
“I have not endured it without you, Johnny!” he whispers quietly at my chest as we come apart, a little embarrassed. 

“That makes me so happy, my love!” 

“Fuck, would you stop this? It`s so cute I'm gonna burst into tears any second.” Sheryl sobs and I slowly turn to face the people staring at us.  
“May I introduce my true love?” Yeah, I know that sounds pretty silly, but it's the truth!  
“That's not necessary, we know who that is.” Larry blurts and Roger asks quietly “Is that Larry Aberman sitting there?”

“Larry Aberman, Roger Taylor! “I'm smiling.

"It's a pleasure, fellow drummer!” Larry laughs. I am astonished to see that Roger has turned red, which is certainly not due to our kiss.  
"Mister Aberman, I deeply admire you! You are without a doubt one of the best drummers in the world.” How cute is that? Roger is a fan boy!

“Oh, thank you so much! Well, our John only works with the best, doesn't he?”  
“I've never been as good as you.”   
“Oh, nonsense! Come sit down! John, I'm sorry, but I have to have a beer with your boyfriend now.”  
Only minutes later Larry and Rog have a lively discussion and I go into the kitchen smiling to get a bowl of water for Nigel.   
Sheryl is following right behind.   
“Goodness, I feel like 15 again! Your lover is the cutest thing ever, John Taylor! I should hate you!”  
“You`re a lesbian, honey. Just saying!”  
“I would make an exception for this hot device!” she sighs.

“Hot device? I'll tell your wife!” 

“She already knows that! It is really very warm today, isn't it? I bet the poor man would like to refresh himself in the pool after the long flight. Do you actually think that this swimsuit suits me? If he likes it?”

“He is not into women, Sheryl! YOU are into women.”

“You know I`m just kidding, yeah? He`s really cute, though.”  
“I agree! Fuck, Sheryl! I`m so happy he`s here!”  
It's gonna be a very nice, very long night.   
We're holding hands all the time and as much as I'm relieved that those who stayed are all getting along very well with Roger, I'm beginning to wish they'd all go home. I would so love to do more than just hold hands!  
The fact that he actually jumps into the pool with Sheryl, Alex, Gela and the two girls eventually isn't very helpful either. Nigel jumps after them and plays seal, what makes everyone laughing.   
At three at night there's only Gela, Alex and Sheryl left to help us clean up. Marla stays in Beanie's room and the two of them are asleep, having their own watchdog with them.  
I don't have to hold back in front of these three anymore and between clearing the table and packing the dishwasher we`re making out pretty hard.   
If the girls weren't here, I could fuck him later on the kitchen counter, it has just the right height.  
Or in the pool. Exactly, we could have sex in the pool! But the girls are there, so we'll do with the lockable bedroom.  
“Now, let's open a bottle of champagne! You have to live with it, John, because we deserve it.” Gela announces when everything is tidied up.  
I'm not particularly thrilled, but I can't just throw out my best friends, right?  
Roger hesitates when Gela pours him a glass.  
He has already drunk two beers with Larry and apparently, he thinks that would bother me.

“I'm an alcoholic, not you. You can toast with the ladies!” I whisper, nibbling at his neck. “I`ll make a coffee. I'm thinking of staying up tonight!”  
“Funny coincidence, Johnny! I had the same plan-“

“Did you just lick my earlobe?” 

“I would like to lick something completely different, but there are ladies present.”

“That's right. By the way, these ladies are not deaf!” giggles Alexandra.  
“Man, you really shouldn't talk about licking to a lesbian who's into you, honestly, Roger!” Sheryl grins.  
“I talked to John, not you. The two of us wouldn't have much fun together.” Smiling, Roger sits down next to the tenderly blushing Sheryl.  
"Yes, Beans told me that you never could do anything with women. I could never do anything with men, but as I told your sweetheart, I would make an exception for you.”  
“I'm very flattered, beautiful lady.”

“Don't overdo it!” Alex smirks.

“Did you actually tell Beanie that lesbian women have it easier than gay men? That wasn't very tactful, was it?” Gela asks.

“She was just honest. Although I wouldn't necessarily say that lesbians have it easier. The kind of rejection is just a different one, isn't it? Smelly men who think a lesbian woman just needs a real dick. They'd rather punch us men in the face if they weren't too disgusted. They sexually harass you. Of us they are disgusted, right?” Roger shrugs.  
“So right! I can`t count how many greasy assholes wanted to watch us or have a threesome or something. Eek!” Alex snorts.  
“That sucks! Dudes are really hypocritical, aren't they?” Gela nods. “I mean, first they tell you how disgusting it is to imagine two men fuck and a minute later they want to fuck your arse. Idiots! Believe me, every man wants that.”  
“I'll say. But most of them prefer tits in their hands to a cock while fucking an ass.” Sheryl confirms.  
“Great, it's always been my dream to talk to three drunk women about anal sex.” I roll my eyes.  
“First, John Taylor, we are not even near to be drunk, second, you are just pissed that none of your many girlfriends let you do that, huh?”  
“You probably won't believe me, Gela Nash, but I never felt the need to fuck a woman in the ass.”  
“He was afraid one might think he was gay.” Roger chuckles.  
“I was more afraid it might remind me of the only person I ever did it with.” I say frankly.  
“This person is very touched and apologizes for his stupid saying” he pulls me into a tender kiss.  
“Girls, I think we should call a cab now and leave these lovestruck faggots alone!” Sheryl smiles. “Please lock your bedroom door, our daughter has never seen men having sex, it might traumatize her!”  
“Since you have a babysitter tonight, why don't you come with me? We could blaspheme unrestrainedly about men and get really drunk." Gela suggests.  
Roger and I wave after the taxi until it`s out of sight, then he pulls me into his arms.   
“You are really tall, Johnny! I always forget about that. I feel so small beside you. I like that, you know?”  
I put my chin on his head, breathe in the smell of his hair. It smells a little like chlorine because of the pool water. And that reminds me that there is another lockable room. The bathroom. And in this bathroom there is a big bathtub.


End file.
